What Merry and Pippin Do All Day
by lotrluv
Summary: Gandalf in a bathrobe, Elrond in a biker jacket, Galadriel's psychiatrist, The Washer of Doom, Gay ninja hobbits, what else would you want in a merry and pippin fic? COMPLETE
1. Disastrous Hobbits

I don't own Lord of the Rings or any of these characters :(  
  
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CRASH!  
  
"Oops."  
  
Merry covered his face with his hands. Oh no, he thought, what has Pip done now???  
  
He slowly took his hands off his face and looked upon a very disturbing scene in one of the halls of Rivendell involving Pippin holding a broken vase and Gandalf in his bathrobe, yelling hoarsely.  
  
"I - I didn't . . . I mean - erm . . ." Pippin was stammering, looking up at the menacing Gandalf in his pink bathrobe.  
  
"PEREGRIN TOOK!" yelled Gandalf, his face turning the color of a raddish, "THAT WAS - THAT - THAT . . ." He tried to calm himself down. "P - Peregrin," he said through clenched teeth.  
  
"Y - yes?" asked Pippin hesitantly.  
  
"That . . . was . . . my . . . favorite . . . VASE!!!" Gandalf yelled, lunging at Pippin, who ducked out from beneath Gandalf just in time to watch the wizard hit the floor with a loud thud.  
  
Gandalf lay there, face down, for a few seconds, then slowly raised his head to look at Pippin.  
  
Pippin ran for it.  
  
Gandalf let out a savage yell, and, his hair falling out of his shower cap, chased after Pippin.  
  
"Oh, great," Merry sighed, and ran after the pair of them.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" screamed Pippin, running all over the place. He ran into a room and pressed himself up against the wall and waited a minute or so. After a while, he sighed and sat down on the floor.  
  
"Phew, that was close," he muttered to himself. Then he looked up.  
  
He was not alone.  
  
He had ran straight into Elrond Half-Elven Master of the Last Homely House of Rivendell's bedroom. There, at his dresser, was Lord Elrond himself. In a biker jacket and pink boxer shorts. Dancing with a coat rack.  
  
Pippin swore under his breath and dashed out of the room.  
  
Elrond turned around. I could've sworn I heard something, he thought, I thought I heard a — hey, why is my door open???  
  
And he slammed his door shut, but not before Gandalf saw him and he saw Gandalf. They both laughed hysterically when the door was shut. Then Gandalf continued his search for Pippin.  
  
Merry had had time to catch up with Pippin before Gandalf did.  
  
"P - Pip! Where are we going?" he asked, running alongside Pippin.  
  
"I thought you knew?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Oh for the love of my potatoes," said Merry (that was a saying in Buckland), "I don't have a clue where we're going, I don't even know where we are!"  
  
"Oh great!" said Pippin, "We could be going around in circles!"  
  
"Really, smart one," muttered Merry.  
  
"I heard that," said Pippin, "And I'll have you know - oomph!"  
  
He and Merry had both run straight into a tall pole. Or at least it seemed like a tall pole.  
  
"Ow," said Pippin, massaging his head.  
  
"You forgot the 'ch'," said Merry, rubbing his own head.  
  
"Chow?" asked Pippin stupidly.  
  
"No Pip, it - uh oh," he said, looking up at what he had mistaken for a tall pole. Except this pole was breathing, and it had long blond hair.  
  
"Oh, hello Legolas," said Pippin, "I didn't see you there."  
  
Legolas didn't seem to know the hobbits were there, either. He was fidgeting with his hair, trying to comb it vigorously while holding a mirror in one hand.  
  
"Ugh," he muttered to himself, "It looks nothing like Haldir's . . . how does he do that?"  
  
Then he looked down and saw the two hobbits there, looking at him questioningly.  
  
He quickly hid his mirror and comb behind his back.  
  
"Hello Merry, Pippin," he said. Then he asked, "What are you doing in this part of Rivendell?"  
  
"Apparently, watching you brush your hair," said Pippin.  
  
Merry elbowed Pippin in the stomach. "Actually, we're lost," he said, glaring at Pippin, who was bent double - whether in pain or laughter, Merry couldn't tell.  
  
"How did you get lost?" asked Legolas.  
  
Merry and Pippin glanced at each other.  
  
"Well . . ." said Pippin.  
  
"Pippin broke a vase," said Merry.  
  
"Not intentionally," said Pippin defiantly, "I was walking down the hallway, minding my own business, not doing anything wrong -"  
  
Merry snorted. He knew that in fact Pippin was running around breaking things intentionally - he was glad Gimli hadn't seen his axe yet.  
  
"- and I was walking past the vase when Merry told me that Frodo was a gay ninja hobbit, and so I turned around quickly to tell him not to insult Frodo, and I accidentally knocked over the vase."  
  
Merry found it hard not to burst out laughing. It was Pippin who had talked about Frodo being a gay ninja hobbit.  
  
"Uh-huh," said Legolas, eyeing Pippin suspiciously.  
  
"Yes, I know, it's hard to believe Merry could say such a thing about Frodo -" said Pippin.  
  
"Okay, Pip, we'd better go now . . ." said Merry, pulling on Pippin's arm.  
  
"Gay ninja hobbit," said Pippin, tutting. "When will Merry learn?"  
  
Merry narrowed his eyes at Pippin, who then said, "Uh, well, we're leaving now, Legolas, I hope your hair gets better . . ." and he and Merry ran for it before Legolas could comprehend what Pippin had said.  
  
"Smart move, Pip," said Merry, "Now we're lost, and we've got Legolas to worry about - best not run into him again."  
  
"It's not my fault he's completely obsessed with his hair," said Pippin. "Elves, honestly . . ."  
  
"So now where are we?" asked Merry, looking around at the tall pillars surrounding them.  
  
He looked over at Pippin.  
  
Pippin was as white as a ghost and staring at something ahead of them. Merry turned to look at what it was. It was Gimli.  
  
And he looked very, very, mad.  
  
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End of Chapter 1  
  
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Thanks for all the good reviews, I'm working on the second chapter!!! 


	2. Mad Dwarves and Gay Ninja Hobbits

Gimli looked like a bull about ready to charge. You could almost see the steam coming out of his nose.  
  
"RUN!!!!!" shouted Merry, and he and Pippin ran and ran and ran. Merry could hear Gimli's occasional shouts of "YOU SUPERGLUED MY AXE TO MY BOXERS!!! I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!!!" or "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!"  
  
"Merry! Gimli's gaining on us!" shouted Pippin.  
  
"Just keep running!" shouted Merry as they turned a corner.  
  
"But - but -" said Pippin.  
  
"But WHAT?" shouted Merry.  
  
"I'm hungry."  
  
"AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!" shouted Gimli from behind them.  
  
"You still feeling hungry, Pip?" asked Merry.  
  
"Yes, of course I'm - no, not really," said Pippin at the look on Merry's face, "But I can't run much longer!"  
  
"Okay," said Merry, "Follow me." And he led them to a table. "Hide under here, quick!" he said, and he and Pippin hid under the table.  
  
A few seconds later, Gimli came running past the table, yelling, "STUPID HOBBITS!!!!!"  
  
The hobbits waited a few minutes.  
  
"Merry, it's getting hot in here."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"No, really, I'm going to suffocate."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Merry!"  
  
"All right, all right, you can get out."  
  
Checking that the coast was clear, Pippin and Merry crawled out from under the table.  
  
"We're in big trouble, Pippin," said Merry.  
  
"We are?" asked Pippin, eating an apple he had found on the table.  
  
"Yes, we are," said Merry, taking the apple from Pippin. Pippin frowned.  
  
"We've got Gandalf, Legolas and Gimli after us now," said Merry. He took a bite out of the apple.  
  
"Hey!" said Pippin, grabbing the apple from Merry. "That's mine."  
  
Merry took back the apple. "I was the one who found the table, it's mine."  
  
Pippin lunged at Merry, who ran from him. Pippin chased him all the way out into a courtyard. It was night now, and hard to see anything.  
  
"Merry, where are you?" whispered Pippin. "I want my apple!"  
  
He heard a snicker in one of the bushes, and he pounced on it. Merry and him struggled for the apple, but then they heard a strange sound.  
  
"Waaaaaaaaaah! waaaaaaaah!"  
  
Pippin raised an eyebrow. "What was that?"  
  
Merry got up and out of the bush. "Dunno. Let's go look."  
  
They crept around the courtyard, searching for the source of the sound.  
  
"Over there!" whispered Merry, "Look!"  
  
There were two black figures moving around in the courtyard, going "Waaaah!"  
  
"Let's get closer," said Pippin, moving forward cautiously.  
  
"I bet it's Gollum," said Merry darkly.  
  
"Shh," said Pippin, putting a finger to his lips. "It looks like they're about to make out."  
  
"WHAT?" said Merry, staring at Pippin.  
  
"SHHH!" Pippin warned. "It's Frodo and Sam."  
  
"WHAAAT???" shouted Merry.  
  
The two figures turned, and in a second had both Merry and Pippin in a headlock.  
  
Pippin hadn't been lying, it was Frodo and Sam. And they were both in ninja clothes.  
  
"F - Frodo!" said Pippin, "I knew you were a gay ninja hobbit by night, but Sam . . .?"  
  
"That's right Mr. Frodo, I told you he'd been spying on us!" said Sam, squeezing Pippin tighter.  
  
Frodo let go of Merry's neck but still held on to his wrists. "Don't move," he commanded. "Let him breathe, Sam."  
  
Sam reluctantly let go of Pippin's neck and grabbed his wrists.  
  
Frodo tied Merry to a tree. He walked up to Pippin.  
  
"What did you see?" he asked him.  
  
"N - nothing important," said Pippin, "A little shagging, but that was all, I swear!"  
  
Merry looked at Pippin as if he were insane. "What in the name of potatoes are you talking about, Pippin?" he asked.  
  
"Nothing that concerns you," said Frodo icily, turning to Merry. "Keep your mouth shut."  
  
"Now then," said Frodo, "What should we do with them, my dear Sam?"  
  
"Boil 'em, roast 'em, cook 'em in a stew!" said Sam excitedly, getting his frying pan from his pack.  
  
"Sam, we're gay ninja hobbits, not cannibals," said Frodo, looking concernedly at Sam.  
  
"Oh, right," said Sam, "I forgot."  
  
"Do not harm the hobbitses!" yelled Gollum, taking off Merry's rope. Merry dashed out of sight.  
  
"What did you do that for???" yelled Sam, "You dirty rotten scum!"  
  
"Stupid, fat, gay hobbit," spat Gollum, "Doesn't know what it's talking about, precious, no . . ."  
  
Pippin bit on Sam's wrist, who howled in pain, and he escaped.  
  
"Now look what you did, you filthy little -"  
  
"STUPID FAT GAY NINJA HOBBIT!" shouted Gollum. Then he turned to Frodo. "Smeagol knows best, doesn't he, precious? Yes, he knows what the stupid fat gay ninja hobbit is trying to do."  
  
Frodo looked at Gollum. "You're right Smeagol."  
  
"No!" shouted Sam. "He's trying to take the sock!"  
  
"The One Sock?" said Frodo, grinning evilly. "It's mine."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" yelled Sam. 


	3. More Mayhem

Merry was running down the hall as fast as he could, trying to get away from Frodo and Sam. He never thought that Pippin was telling the truth about them being gay ninjas, so that came as a real shock to him.  
  
"Merry!" yelled, Pippin, coming up behind him, "Stop! The coast is clear."  
  
Merry stopped and Pippin came up to him.  
  
"That was the strangest conversation I've ever had with Frodo and Sam," said Merry, awestruck.  
  
"You think that's bad," said Pippin, "One time, I heard a conversation between Gandalf and Elrond, arguing about which color to paint their bathroom."  
  
Merry just stared at Pippin. "Right, Pip," he said. "That's great."  
  
"OMG!" shouted Pippin all of a sudden.  
  
"WTH is O-M-G???" asked Merry.  
  
"Oh my god," said Pippin, "And what the heck is WTH???"  
  
"Oh puhleeze," sighed Merry.  
  
"Really?" asked Pippin, "Is that what it is?"  
  
"No Pip, it's not -"  
  
Just then Arwen came up to them wearing a bikini.  
  
Merry and Pippin began drooling.  
  
"What?" said Arwen, "I was swimming with Aragorn."  
  
Merry and Pippin continuted to stare and drool.  
  
Arwen sighed. "My father says to come to dinner, I will show you where it is."  
  
"Sure thing, hun," said Pippin.  
  
"What?" said Arwen.  
  
"Lead on, milady," said Merry, elbowing Pippin in the ribs.  
  
"WTH, you're being soooo fake, Merry," said Pippin.  
  
"Well at least I'm not calling the King of Gondor's wife HUN!!!" whispered Merry as they followed Arwen to dinner.  
  
"WTH," said Pippin.  
  
"What dyou mean, WTH???" asked Merry, confused.  
  
"It means, 'oh puhleeze', doesn't it?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Oh no, here we go again . . ."  
  
They walked into the room where they were eating dinner with just about everyone in Rivendell, but Frodo, Sam, and Gollum were nowhere to be seen.  
  
Everyone there was already eating, so Merry and Pippin sat down and began eating.  
  
Unfortunately, they had sat right across from Gimli and Gandalf. (Gandalf was wearing very baggy pants and an oversized shirt.)  
  
Seeing as they couldn't do anything to Merry and Pippin with the whole of Rivendell watching, they merely sneered and growled at them through the entire meal.  
  
After Merry and Pippin had had third helpings of everything, they laid back to relax.  
  
But then, Frodo and Sam ran into the room.  
  
"Waaaaaaa!" they shouted, "Wwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaa!" and they left the room.  
  
Legolas looked over at Merry and Pippin.  
  
"See Merry," said Pippin, "I told you they were gay ninja hobbits."  
  
"But -" said Legolas.  
  
"Let the lad finish," said Gimli, for everyone's eyes were on Pippin.  
  
"I told Merry they were gay ninja hobbits, but he wouldn't believe me," said Pippin, taking a bite out of another apple.  
  
"No way," said Legolas, "You said Merry told you they were gay ninja hobbits!"  
  
"Ugh," said Gimli, "Legolas, you are such a blonde."  
  
"And proud of it," said another blonde elf, and he and Legolas tried to high-five each other but missed and slapped each others' faces instead. Oops.  
  
"Anyway," said Pippin, "Legolas has just gone mad. I knew all along they were gay ninjas."  
  
Legolas stared at Pippin, his hand still on his face.  
  
"Okay," he muttered, "I need to stop drinking ale before I go to bed."  
  
Then Jack Sparrow (from pirates of the caribbean, for those who don't know) came in and yelled, "Did someone mention ale? I LOVE ale!!! Drinks all around!!!"  
  
Everyone stared at him.  
  
"FINE," he said, "Be that way. More ale for me!"  
  
And he left.  
  
"That was odd," said Merry.  
  
"That was the definition of odd," said Pippin.  
  
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Thanx for all the good reviews! I'm not done, don't worry, there'll be a lot more!!! :) 


	4. Hobbits Are A Virus

I LOVED the reviews!!! Please continue reviewing!!! :):):)  
  
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After Jack Sparrow had left, everyone had begun talking a lot. This annoyed Elrond, as he liked to be the one and only center of attention. He was soon going to have his wish. In a way he wouldn't have chosen.  
  
Elrond was tapping on his wine glass to restore order - to no effect whatsoever . . . at first.  
  
He tapped and tapped on his glass, trying to get everyone's attention. Then his glass broke.  
  
An elf turned around, looked at Elrond's glass, and said, "Lord Elrond, were you trying to sing again?"  
  
"Wha - no," said Elrond, "What are you talking about, Celriniel?"  
  
Just then Pippin looked over. "Uh, Elrond . . . um . . ." he said.  
  
"It's LORD Elrond to you," said Elrond, and everyone's eyes turned to him.  
  
They all began laughing.  
  
"What???" asked Elrond, "WHAT???"  
  
He looked down. His robe was missing.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" he screamed, and ran out of the room.  
  
Everyone laughed hysterically, and Pippin held up Elrond's robe and said, "He is so egotistical, he doesn't even know when someone's pulled his robe off."  
  
Merry looked over at Pippin. "Egotistical???"  
  
"He thinks he's all that," said Gimli.  
  
"Aaah," said Merry.  
  
Everyone then left the room after they had had a good laugh.  
  
"Do you realize we've got Gandalf, Gimli, Legolas, Frodo, Sam, AND Elrond out to get us now?" asked Merry.  
  
"So?" said Pippin. "They can't catch me."  
  
"Why, because you're SMART???" said Merry sarcastically.  
  
"Exactly," said Pippin.  
  
Merry muttered something indistinctly.  
  
"What was that?" said Pippin.  
  
"Nothing, nothing . . ."  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" came a loud shriek from the hallway.  
  
"Wha . . .?"  
  
Then Denethor came running up to them and shouted, "VIRUSES!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! WE'RE NOT HEALTHY!!!!!!! STAY AWAY FROM THE HOBBITS!!!!!" Then he looked down at Merry and Pippin.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
And he ran away.  
  
"WHAT was that???" asked Merry.  
  
"I have a feeling we're about to find out," said Pippin, staring at the other end of the hall, where Elrond, wearing a strange-looking business suit, looked rather - er - disturbed.  
  
"THE GAY NINJA HOBBITS!!! THEY'RE A VIRUS!!!!!" he shouted, moving rather faster than was necessary.  
  
And he whipped past them like a speeding bullet.  
  
Merry and Pippin looked at each other.  
  
"Wh -"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Me neither."  
  
"Has anyone seen my father?" asked Faramir, running up to the hobbits.  
  
"He just ran past here a few moments ago," said Merry.  
  
"Screaming something about viruses," added Pippin.  
  
Merry elbowed him in the stomach.  
  
"Oh, no," said Faramir. "BOROMIR!!!" he shouted, "FATHER HASN'T TAKEN HIS MEDICATION TODAY!!!"  
  
"GAY NINJA HOBBITS!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Boromir, running past a shocked Merry, Pippin, and Faramir.  
  
"Oh shit," muttered Faramir, and ran after his brother.  
  
Merry and Pippin just looked at each other.  
  
"Wha -"  
  
"Yet again, I have no idea."  
  
"Right. Neither do I."  
  
"Lovely."  
  
"Off to bed then, shall we?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
And they went off to bed.  
  
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Don't worry, there's more. I know this is called What Merry and Pippin Do All Day, but it's going to be several days cause I just can't fit it all in one day!!!  
  
Thanks for the good idea, Morrwen, I'm going to add the others in the next chapter :) 


	5. Silly String, Another Vase, and Firework...

Ok, I know the last chapter was a little short, but im gonna try to make this one longer :):):)  
  
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The next morning, Merry and Pippin woke up to the sound of banging pots and pans.  
  
"Wha - what's going on?" Pippin asked with a huge yawn, getting up to look around.  
  
"Sam's banging pots and pans in his sleep," said Merry, sitting up. "Look."  
  
And indeed, Sam WAS banging pots and pans in his sleep, and muttering, "Look out, Mr. Frodo, here comes the troll - *snore* - HA! I got it Mr. Frodo, did you see . . .? *snore*"  
  
Merry and Pippin raised their eyebrows.  
  
"Uh . . . Let's leave," said Merry, and Pippin nodded, and they got dressed and headed outside.  
  
"While we're up . . ." said Pippin, an evil grin on his face.  
  
"No, Pip, don't -"  
  
But Pippin was already running down to Eomer's bedchamber.  
  
"Oh, no, Pippin -"  
  
"Come on, Merry!" said Pippin. He held up two bottles of silly string. "Look what I've got!"  
  
Merry looked considerably happier, and ran to catch up with Pippin. "Oooooo, YAY!!! Silly sting! I LOVE silly string!!!" said Merry.  
  
"And you know what I love more," said Pippin, a mischievous smile playing across his face.  
  
"What? What?" asked Merry energetically.  
  
"Spraying it all over Eomer!" Pippin said, and with that, he and Merry bounded off to Eomer's bedchamber.  
  
"Shh," said Pippin when they were right outside the door, "Don't wake him up."  
  
They tiptoed into the room, and were almost blinded by the bright pink color that seemed to cover every inch of Eomer's room.  
  
"Woah," said Merry, "Way too much pink," he said, looking around, disgusted. "What is he, gay???"  
  
"Oh no, we don't need anymore gay people in Rivendell," said Pippin. "Let's just say he's obsessed with pink."  
  
"Right," said Merry, taking the cap off his silly string. "Ready?"  
  
"On the count of three," said Pippin, taking the cap off his own bottle. "One . . ."  
  
"Two . . ."  
  
"No, no, no . . . it's the pink bunnies, no, no . . ." muttered Eomer in his sleep.  
  
Merry stared at Pippin.  
  
"Don't ask me," whispered Pippin. "One -"  
  
"Two -"  
  
"Three!"  
  
They sprayed silly string all over Eomer, and all over his room. The whole time, he didn't wake up.  
  
"Phew," said Pippin, "Well, we'd better get out of here, before . . ."  
  
Eomer gave a huge yawn and opened his eyes.  
  
"RUN!" yelled Pippin, and the hobbits dashed out of the room.  
  
"WHA - MERRY!!!!!!!! PIPPIN!!!!!!!!!" they heard Eomer yell.  
  
"RRRUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!" shouted Pippin, and they ran and ran and ran until they bumped into a pole again.  
  
"Ouch," said Merry, rubbing his head, "You know, Pip, I think we've lost him . . ." but then he looked up and realized that what he had mistaken for a pole for a second time was actually Legolas. And he was looking murderous.  
  
"RUN!" shouted Pippin, and they hightailed it back to their room.  
  
"Phew," said Pippin, "That was close."  
  
Then he heard a grunting noise behind him. He turned around to see Sam, holding up his frying pan. He was sleepwalking.  
  
"Uh," said Merry, "Maybe we should run . . ."  
  
"Nah," said Pippin, "He's probably just -"  
  
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR!!!!!!!" shouted Sam, waving his frying pan around.  
  
"RUN!" yelled Pippin, again.  
  
And they ran and ran and ran until they bumped into Elrond.  
  
"Oh, sorry Lord Elrond, I -"  
  
"VIRUSES!!!" shouted Elrond, "WE MUST GET RID OF THEM!!! DENETHOR!!!!!"  
  
Then Denethor came in, carrying Gimli's axe . . .  
  
"AAAAAAAA!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, PIP!!!"  
  
And they ran away again.  
  
"Okay, I'm really getting tired of this," said Pippin.  
  
"Yeah, me too," said Merry, panting, and he slumped down against the wall. "Let's take a breather."  
  
And he and Pippin sat there for two minutes, until Gimli came running down the hall.  
  
"YOU STUPID HOBBITS!" he shouted, "YOU TOOK MY AXE!!!"  
  
"But Gimli, it wasn't us, it was Den-"  
  
"EXCUSES! I HATE EXCUSES!" yelled Gimli, and Merry and Pippin looked at each other and ran away.  
  
"Pippin, we c-can't keep running like this!" said Merry, slowing down.  
  
"I know I kn - whoops . . ."  
  
He had smashed another vase.  
  
"Oh for the love of my potatoes," said Merry, "That had better not have been one of Gandalf's -"  
  
But Merry's worst fears were confirmed as Gandalf yelled hoarsely, "I've got you now, Peregrin Took!!!" and running at them like a maniac, with a huge bug-catching net in his hand.  
  
"Pip, you know what to do," said Merry, and he nodded and they both ran for their lives.  
  
They stopped when they realized they were lost again.  
  
"Okay," said Pippin, "NOW where are we?"  
  
"Dunno," said Merry, looking around. "Hey! Lady Eowyn!"  
  
Eowyn turned around. "Oh hello Merry," she said. "What brings you to this part of Rivendell?"  
  
The hobbits looked at each other.  
  
"Uh," said Pippin.  
  
"Long story," said Merry.  
  
"Oh," said Eowyn, smiling. "I see."  
  
"So what are YOU doing in this part of Rivendell, milady?" asked Merry.  
  
Eowyn's expression turned sour.  
  
"Why?" she asked. "It is none of your business."  
  
"But -"  
  
"Don't be so nosy, Master Brandybuck."  
  
"But -"  
  
"You too, Master Took!"  
  
"Okay, I wont," said Merry, looking concernedly at Eowyn.  
  
Eowyn nodded and her expression lightened.  
  
Merry and Pippin stood there, staring at her.  
  
"What?" she asked.  
  
"Nothing," they said together.  
  
"Well, why are you just standing there?"  
  
"We have nothing else to do."  
  
"Well, go play childish games and whatnot!" yelled Eowyn. "Go! Shoo!"  
  
"Uh, fine . . ." said Pippin, and they left.  
  
"What was that about?" asked Pippin, as they turned a corner.  
  
"Beats me," said Merry, shrugging. "Eowyn might be on drugs."  
  
Pippin looked at Merry skeptically.  
  
"Never mind," said Merry.  
  
BOOM!  
  
"Woah, what was that?" asked Merry."  
  
"Oooooh, maybe it's one of Gandalf's fireworks!" said Pippin hopefully.  
  
"Pip," said Merry, "I don't really think Gandalf's in the mood for - what the . . ."  
  
Boromir was walking around with an armfull of fireworks.  
  
"No, but maybe Boromir is," said Pippin. "Oi! Boromir!" he shouted, "Lemme have some of those -"  
  
"AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" Boromir screamed, dropping the fireworks, "HOBBITS!!!!!! THE VIRUS!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"  
  
And he ran away, tripping over things in the process.  
  
"Uh . . ." said Merry, "Pip . . ."  
  
"What?" said Pippin, who was looking at where Boromir had been just seconds ago.  
  
"Turn around, and don't move," said a slimy, hoarse voice. Pippin did as he was told. Wow. That's a first.  
  
It was Grima Wormtounge, in a ninja suit.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Bet you're wondering why Wormtounge's in a ninja suit, huh? And why Eowyn's acting so strange??? And what would happen if, say, all who were out to get revenge on Merry and Pippin formed some sort of an alliance??? Read the next chapter to find out!!! I'm working on it :) 


	6. Shortest Chapter Ever

Pippin stared in disbelief.  
  
"Wormtounge???" he asked, beginning to crack up.  
  
"It is GRIMA Wormtounge to you, little halfling," said Wormtounge.  
  
"Are you a gay ninja hobbit too?" asked Merry.  
  
"Well, at least a gay ninja," Pippin whispered as he stopped laughing. "I don't think he's a hobbit, Merry."  
  
"Oh, right."  
  
"I am a ninja, but whether gay nor hobbit I do not know," said Wormtounge.  
  
"You don't know if you're GAY or not???" asked Merry incredulously, and he began laughing so hard he had to grab hold of Pippin's shoulder for support.  
  
Wormtounge gave him a threatening look and he stopped laughing.  
  
"My master has commanded me to -"  
  
"Woah, woah, wait a minute . . ." said Pippin. "Your MASTER??? You mean all these gay ninjas have a master?"  
  
"Waaaaaaah!" shouted Wormtounge, and this silenced Pippin. "We do not speak the Master's name."  
  
"Why not?" asked Merry.  
  
"Uh -" Wormtounge thought for a minute. "Hold on a minute, I know this . . . it's on the tip of my tongue . . ."  
  
A director ran up to Wormtounge, handed him a little peice of paper, and ran away.  
  
"Ah, right," said Wormtounge, looking at the paper, crumpling it and putting it in his pocket. "Because she said so."  
  
"She?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Yes, the fair lady, her name is -"  
  
He stopped.  
  
"Never mind. I must be going now," said Wormtounge, and he ran off.  
  
Before Merry or Pippin could say anything, Rosie Cotton ran up to them and panted, "Everyone - and I mean - EVERYONE - is after - y - you . . ."  
  
"Where are they?" asked Pippin.  
  
Rosie pointed to where she had just come from. "I don't know what you did this time, but Elrond and Gimli are particularly angry, and my poor Samwise still hasn't woken up."  
  
"Uh oh," said Merry, as he heard distant shouting, coming nearer and nearer.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Sorry this chapter's so short :( but im writing more dont worry 


	7. The Master Revealed

"Pippin, I wish I didn't have to say this again . . . but . . . RUN!!!" shouted Merry, as he heard Elrond's distant shouts of - "You took my favorite robe!" and Gandalf's shouts of "You broke my favorite vase!" and Sam's shouts of "RAAAAR!!!!!" As you can see, they had a lot to run from.  
  
Merry and Pippin sprinted down the hall, looking for a safe place to hide.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" shouted Pippin, waving his arms in the air as he ran.  
  
They turned a corner and bumped into a pole. AGAIN. And, yet again, it was no pole, but Legolas.  
  
"YOU LIED ABOUT THE GAY NINJAS!!!" he shouted at Pippin, and Merry and Pippin ran under his legs and dashed out behind him, his shouts of, "Stupid hobbits!" echoing behind them.  
  
They ran and ran and ran, till it seemed like ages and the shouts of, "HOBBITS ARE A VIRUS, WE MUST DESTROY THEM!!!" had not yet ceased.  
  
"Merry!" said Pippin, the first to complain, as usual, "I can't - run any - any longer!!!"  
  
"Come on!" said Merry, motioning forward, trying to find a place to hide.  
  
"I - have a - really BAD - sidestitch!" said Pippin, holding his side.  
  
"Uuuuh . . ." said Merry, looking around for a place - ANY place - to hide. "Here! Follow me!"  
  
And he led Pippin into a closet.  
  
They stood there for a little while, and then they heard all these thundering footsteps and loud yells come from outside the door and then the mob passed.  
  
"You know what, Merry?" said Pippin.  
  
"What?" said Merry.  
  
"I'm glad you're not a gay ninja hobbit."  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"For obvious reasons."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"One of them being that we are trapped in a closet, with very little space and we couldn't be squashed together more."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Merry thought for a moment, then scooched as far away as he could from Pippin. "YOU'RE not a gay ninja hobbit, are you???" he asked.  
  
"No!" said Pippin, "I'd have to be completely STUPID to be a gay ninja -"  
  
Merry backed away even farther, which kinda hurt, as he was backing into solid wall.  
  
"Pippin," he said, "You ARE completely stupid."  
  
"Well, I - hey!"  
  
"Kidding."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Um, let's get out of here . . ."  
  
"Right."  
  
And they got out of the closet.  
  
"Here you are, Master . . . the One Sock is at your command . . ."  
  
"Merry, did you hear that?" asked Pippin, looking around.  
  
"Yeah," said Merry. "Look!"  
  
He pointed around the corner, and there he and Pippin saw Frodo presenting Eowyn with the One Sock.  
  
"Is Eowyn a gay ninja too?" asked Pippin.  
  
Eowyn had heard him, and she pounced on him, pinning him down to the floor, while Frodo grabbed Merry before he could get away.  
  
"I'm sorry, milady, i didn't mean to offend -"  
  
"You've offended no one, hobbit," said Eowyn. She thought for a moment. "Scratch that, I mean you've offended everyone BUT me. You've just forgotten to say the correct term. It is not GAY, it's LESBIAN."  
  
"So Frodo's a lesbian ninja hobbit?" asked Merry.  
  
"No, I am a lesbain ninja, Frodo is a gay ninja hobbit."  
  
"Oh I see."  
  
"Is that the One Sock?" asked Pippin in awe.  
  
"It's MINE!" shouted Gollum, who had come up behind them, "MY OWN!!! MY PRRRRECIOUSSS!!!!!" And he grabbed the Sock from Eowyn and took a good whiff. He then fainted.  
  
"Well," said Pippin, "He's not going to wake up very happy, is he?" 


	8. The Messed Up Council of Elrond

Eowyn gave Pippin a nasty grin, turned around, and shouted, "The hobbits are over here!"  
  
Merry and Pippin didn't have time to even look at each other - for at that moment Elrond, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Faramir, Denethor, and Eomer ran up to them and, grabbing hold of the hobbits, Elrond yelled, "Gotcha!"  
  
"It's not us you want!" said Pippin, twisting and writhing in Elrond's grasp.  
  
"It's not?" asked Merry.  
  
"No," said Pippin, "Frodo and Sam are the gay ninja hobbits, and Wormtounge and Eowyn . . ."  
  
"If you tell me they've gotten engaged I'll slice that slimy worm's head - " started Eomer, but Faramir broke him off.  
  
"Nay, Eomer, do you not remember that Eowyn is married to me?"  
  
Merry let out a little grunting noise.  
  
"And what is that supposed to mean?" asked Faramir, turning to Merry.  
  
"Well, uh - "  
  
"Sorry to break it to you, Faramir," said Pippin, "But your wife's gay."  
  
There was a very awkward silence.  
  
"The correct term is lesbian," said Gandalf.  
  
"Whatever," said Pippin.  
  
"No she's not," said Faramir. "If she was, I would know. Besides, we've already - well, I won't get into that."  
  
"You know," said Merry, "She could just be under the influence of the One Sock."  
  
Everyone turned to Merry.  
  
"What???"  
  
"The One Sock," said Merry. "I think it turns people into gay ninjas after they've taken a good whiff of it."  
  
"That's preposterous," said Pippin.  
  
"How did you know that big word?" asked Gimli.  
  
"Hello, we're getting off subject," said Elrond, "The One Sock was made in the soap suds of the Washer of Doom. Only there can it be unmade. Or at least washed."  
  
"Why would we want to wash it?" asked Boromir.  
  
Everyone looked at him.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well, obviously, this sock must smell horrible," said Legolas, "Apparently it needs to be washed."  
  
"No," said Elrond, rolling his eyes. "Well yes, it is smelly, but that is not the reason we should wash it - "  
  
"What?" asked Legolas, "The only reason to wash a sock is when it's smelly."  
  
"No, when it's dirty," said Denethor.  
  
"Smelly."  
  
"Dirty."  
  
"Smelly!"  
  
"Dirty!"  
  
"SM– "  
  
"That's enough!" yelled Elrond, "The sock needs to be washed so there will be no more gay - or lesbian - ninjas!"  
  
Everyone looked at him.  
  
"One of you must do this." 


	9. Elladan and Elrohir

The next morning, Elrond sent ten of his warriors out to find the gay ninjas, but only three came back, two of them carrying the third, who was dressed in a ninja suit.  
  
Elrond decided he couldn't trust this job to just anyone, so he called upon his two sons, Elladan and Elrohir to finish the task, and Merry and Pippin overheard their conversation.  
  
"What?" asked Elrohir when Elrond had told them what they were to do, "We're supposed to capture a band of GAY NINJA HOBBITS???"  
  
"Precisely," said Elrond, glad his sons understood.  
  
Elladan and Elrohir looked at each other.  
  
"Um," said Elladan, "May I have a word with Elrohir, father?"  
  
"Yes, I suppose," said Elrond, and Elladan pulled Elrohir into a corner. Merry and Pippin shrank into the shadows so as not to be seen.  
  
"Elrohir," said Elladan, "I do not think father has taken his medicine."  
  
"You're right," said Elrohir. "The other day I saw him dancing with his coat rack again."  
  
"That's nothing," said Elladan, "I saw him flirting with the TV."  
  
"So he hasn't been taking his medicine for a few days," said Elrohir, concern written all across his brow. Literally.  
  
"Uh, Elrohir," said Elladan, "What did you do to your - I mean, why is your . . . ???"  
  
"What?" asked Elrohir, "What are you talking about?"  
  
Elladan pointed to Elrohir's brow, and Elrohir took out a small mirror from his pocket and gasped.  
  
"Elladan! What did you DO???"  
  
"It wasn't me!" said Elladan quickly, "It must've been . . ."  
  
"Pippin," they said simultaneously.  
  
Pippin snickered, for it HAD been him. Who knows how his strange little mind works . . .  
  
Unfortunately for Pippin, Elladan, with his keen hearing, had heard this snicker, and pulled Merry and Pippin out from their corner.  
  
"AAAA!!!" said Pippin as he was pulled up by the scruff of the neck.  
  
"What's all this yelling?" asked Elrond, and then he spotted Merry and Pippin.  
  
"HOBBITS!" yelled Elrohir triumphantly, "I think we've found some gay ninja hobbits -"  
  
"No, no, no," said Elrond, "They're not wearing the ninja suits, see?"  
  
"Duh," said Elladan, shaking his head.  
  
Elrohir dropped Pippin and Elladan dropped Merry.  
  
"Leave now and I won't chop your head off," threatened Elrohir.  
  
Merry and Pippin ran away.  
  
"That was close," said Pippin.  
  
"You're hopeless, Pip."  
  
"I have lots of hope!" said Pippin. "I hope they're going to catch the gay ninja hobbits."  
  
Merry whacked his forehead, looked up at the ceiling, and said, "What did I so to deserve this???"  
  
Pippin looked at him concernedly.  
  
"Merry, why are you talking to the ceiling?" he asked.  
  
Merry gave Pippin a peircing stare.  
  
Pippin gulped.  
  
"Never mind," said Pippin, looking at the floor.  
  
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Thanx for all the reviews!!! :) 


	10. Legolas's Double and Lots of Ale

Suddenly, they heard footsteps and a tall pole bumped into THEM.  
This tall pole was Legolas - or, at least, that's what the hobbits thought at first, but then saw he had shorter brown hair and was wearing outlandish clothing.  
"Where can I find Lord Elrond?" Legolas's double asked.  
"Who are you?" asked Pippin.  
"Will Turner," said Will. "My friend Jack Sparrow needs some ale, and I hear Rivendell has the best ale -"  
"Oh," said Merry. "Elrond is two hallways to the left, four doors down."  
"Thanks, much appriciated," said Will, and he began to walk down the first left hallway when Legolas ran into him.  
"Watch where you're going!" said Will, and Legolas stared at him.  
"WTH," said Legolas, backing into a wall. "Who are you?"  
"Why did he say WTH?" whispered Pippin, confused.  
"Don't ask," said Merry, not wanting to have to explain this to Pippin.  
"W - Will Turner," said Will, looking scared. "Who are you?"  
"Me?" asked Legolas. "I am Legolas Greenleaf, Elven Prince of Northern Mirkwood, Son of the Elf King Thranduil, skilled archer -"  
"All right, all right, I get it," said Will, thinking this Greenleaf guy was a bit too full of himself. "I'm a pirate."  
"A what?" asked Legolas, for he had never heard of a pirate before.  
"A PIRATE," said Will, speaking slowly, as if to a two-year-old.  
"What's that?" asked Legolas curiously.  
"You don't know what a PIRATE is???" asked Will.  
Legolas shook his head.  
"You are such a blonde, Legolas."  
"So I've been told."  
Then Jack Sparrow ran in yelling, "Where's my ale???"  
He turned to Legolas. "I want my ale, Will!" he said, "Why did you die your hair?"  
Will turned Jack around to face him.  
"Aaaa!" shrieked Jack, looking quickly from Legolas to Will and back. "I'm seeing double! I NEED MY ALE!!!"  
"Okay, okay, don't have a cow," said Elrond, bustling over with some ale. "Here you go."  
"THANK YOU!" said Jack, and he began to drink the ale.  
"That should take care of him for a while," said Elrond, and, satisfied, turned to look at Legolas, and saw Legolas and Will standing side-by-side.  
"Oh no!" he exclaimed. "Now I'M seeing double!!! Gimme that!" And he took the ale from Jack and began drinking.  
"Hey!" said Jack, "That's mine! My own! MY PRECIOUSSSS!!!"  
Everyone looked at him.  
"What?" he said, swaying on the spot, very drunk. "He took my precious ale!" And he grabbed it back from Elrond.  
Elrond blinked.  
"Wow," he said, "That's some strong ale." And then he burped.  
Jack continued drinking his ale, until he was in danger of falling over, so Will sat him in a chair.  
"Lemme try some of that," said Will, and he drank the rest of the ale.  
"That was a whole bottle!" said Pippin in awe.  
"They must be thirsty," said Merry.  
"I want some," said Pippin.  
"Not NOW, Pip," said Merry.  
"Ooooh, not fair . . ." complained Pippin.  
"Shh!" said Merry.  
Will, really drunk, turned around, looked at Legolas, and ran away screaming, "AAAAAAAAAA!!!!! IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE CLONES!!!!! AAAAAAAAA!!!!!"  
Legolas shrugged and went back to whatever he had been doing (probably combing his hair), Elrond ran to get more ale, and Jack - well, he started to snore. 


	11. The Washer of Doom

Just so you know this story really has no plot, im just making things up as i go along and adding in things here and there... and it comes out to be a really rather random Merry and Pippin fic!!! :):):)  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Merry and Pippin crept out of their corner and looked at Jack.  
  
"Do you think we should wake him up?" asked Pippin cautiously.  
  
"No!" whispered Merry. "Are you MAD??? He's a bloody pirate!"  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Let's just say he's dangerous."  
  
"Not as dangerous as me."  
  
Merry stared at Pippin.  
  
"I'll have you know my ancestors were the incredibly strong - INCREDIBLY strong, mind you - Tooks. And in my veins runs their bold blood..." he trailed off, seeing Merry roll his eyes.  
  
Pippin scowled at Merry and went over to Jack.  
  
"He looks harmless," said Pippin, and poked Jack's shoulder. This was a mistake.  
  
Jack sat bolt upright, still clutching his empty ale bottle, and looked at Pippin.  
  
"AARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!" he yelled, lunging at Pippin, and Merry and Pippin ran away.  
  
"That was odd," said Pippin, looking behind him to see if Jack was still pursuing them.  
  
"Yep," said Merry. "Pip, where are the bathrooms?"  
  
"Uh, I dunno," said Pippin. "I don't even know where we are."  
  
"Well, we must be somewhere near the - did you hear that?"  
  
There was singing coming from around the corner.  
  
"Let's have a look," said Pippin.  
  
"But I have to go to the -"  
  
"Shh!" warned Pippin. "I'm just seeing who it is."  
  
He peeked around the corner, and to his utter dismay, saw Aragorn and Faramir singing, "Stacy's mom has got it going on! She's all I want, and I've waited for soooo long! Stacy can't you see, you're just not the girl for me! I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Stacy's mom!"  
  
"Who the heck is Stacy?" asked Pippin.  
  
"How should I know," said Merry, hopping up and down. "And why would I care??? I have to go to the bathroom!!!!!"  
  
Pippin rolled his eyes and continued to watch Aragorn and Faramir.  
  
"If it'll make you stop looking at them, Pip, Stacy's Mom is a SONG. Some elven band made it up."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Okay, that's it," said Merry, walking around the corner, "Aragorn, Faramir, where are the bathrooms around here???"  
  
Aragorn and Faramir stopped singing and looked at Merry.  
  
"Um -" said Faramir.  
  
"Er -" said Aragorn.  
  
"YOU DON'T KNOW???" asked Merry incredulously, by this time, he REALLY had to go.  
  
"I think it's in that direction," said Aragorn, pointing behind him.  
  
"Okay," said Merry, and he ran and ran until he found a bathroom. But it was a GIRL'S bathroom.  
  
"Aww, man," he muttered, and closed his eyes, and pushed the door open, ran in, and used it. Just as he was coming out of the bathroom, Eowyn came in.  
  
"AAAAAAA!" she screamed. "Merry, what are you doing in here?"  
  
"AAAAAAA!" screamd Merry. "You're a - you're a -"  
  
"Wait," said Eowyn, stopping Merry from running. "I am sometimes able to defend myself against the will of the Sock. I am not a lesbian ninja at the moment."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Where's Faramir?" asked Eowyn. "We need to straighten this lesbian thing out. He knows I'm not a lesbian, but -"  
  
"He's that way," said Merry, walking out the door and pointing.  
  
"Thanks," said Eowyn, and ran halfway along the hallway until she bumped into Pippin.  
  
"AAAAAAA!!!" shouted Pippin and ran into Merry.  
  
"Oomph! Run Merry, RUN!"  
  
"No," said Merry, holding Pippin back, "It's okay, she's -"  
  
"Waaa!" said Eowyn, turning back into her ninja form.  
  
"Okay, NOW run!"  
  
And Merry and Pippin ran away from Eowyn.  
  
"ELLADAN!!!!! ELROHIR!!!!!" they shouted.  
  
"What?" asked Elrohir, coming up to them.  
  
"Back there - just saw - ninja - Eowyn ..."  
  
"Oh, okay," said Elrohir, and he ran after Eowyn.  
  
Pippin slumped against a wall.  
  
"Look what I caught!" said Elladan, running up to Merry and Pippin, carrying Gollum, who had apparently been knocked out and was in a ninja suit, carrying the One Sock. "Someone needs to throw this in the Great Mount Washer thingy that father was talking about."  
  
"I'm to tired to do it now," said Pippin, closing his eyes. "I think I'll just -"  
  
"But it's right over there," said Elladan, pointing to a door beside him. "In that room."  
  
Merry looked at him. "You mean to tell me," he said, "That all this time, the Washer was right here in Rivendell???"  
  
"Yep," said Elladan.  
  
"Gimme that," said Merry, grabbing the Sock. "Pippin, get up." And he helped Pippin to his feet. "Follow me."  
  
He went into the room, opened the Washer, put some soap in it, and was about to throw the Sock in when he thought, "Why am I doing this? It's a perfectly good Sock, I wonder if it smells any good ..." and he was about to sniff it when Pippin took it from him.  
  
"Now Merry," said Pippin, "Remember what Elrond said..."  
  
And just then Gollum broke the door down and took the Sock from Pippin.  
  
"It's MINE!!! MY PRECIOUS!" he said hopping around with glee.  
  
Merry pushed him into the washer, closed it, and washed him. When the washer stopped, he opened the door, and both the Sock and Gollum were gone.  
  
"Well," said Pippin, "That takes care of that."  
  
"I say we should celebrate," said Merry.  
  
"A party?" came Jack Sparrow's voice from outside, and he appeared in the doorway. "Drinks all around!"  
  
"I hope it comes in pints ..." said Pippin dreamily.  
  
"Everyone, party at Galadriel's!" shouted Elrond from outside the door, and the hobbits heard all of Rivendell cheering, and they made their way to Lothlorien.  
  
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to be continued ... lol this isn't the end, by the time i'm done with this there'll probably be like 40 chapters :) sry it took so long to update, i was busy  
  
*~lotrluv~* 


	12. Celeborn and Galadriel

Galadriel wasn't very happy when the whole of Rivendell came charging into the woods of Lothlorien.  
  
She had just been having a session with her psychiatrist when Celeborn came barging into the room looking disheveled.  
  
"Galadriel!" he said, panting.  
  
"What?" she asked impatiently. "Is it so important that you have to interrupt my session?"  
  
Celeborn looked at Galadriel's psychiatrist. He was a buff, tan, handsome blonde elf, with pearly white teeth. And he didn't look much like a psychiatrist. More like a surfer.  
  
"Yes, I've been meaning to talk to you about these sessions ..." Celeborn said, "Anyway, did you realize that everyone in Rivendell has come charging into OUR forest for a PARTY???"  
  
Galadriel looked stupified.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yes," said Celeborn, "Elrond and his WHOLE Homely House People are HERE NOW, thinking there is some sort of party going on ..."  
  
The psychiatrist was looking at the both of them intently.  
  
Celeborn stared at him. "Do you mind?" he asked. The psychiatrist left.  
  
"Well, Elrond should've sent word, or - or something," said Galadriel, stressing out.  
  
Celeborn's face was rapidly reddening.  
  
"Well he DIDN'T!!! HE - he -" he trailed off, his eyes widening. "Oops."  
  
"What do you mean, 'oops'???"  
  
"Uh," said Celeborn, turning redder from blushing. He reached for something in his robe pocket, and pulled out a white envelope. He opened it and unfolded the letter.  
  
"Lhunfalasiel gave this to me this morning ..." he said, reading the letter, "It says, 'Dear Celeborn and Galadriel, We have destroyed the One Sock. There are no more gay ninjas.'"  
  
"Gay ninjas?" asked Galadriel, alarmed.  
  
"That's not all. 'We will be arriving at your home promptly at 7:00 tonight. Be sure to have lots of rum. Jack Sparrow's with us. Sincerely yours, Lord Elrond.'"  
  
"Jack Sparrow? Gay ninjas? What is he talking about?" asked Galadriel.  
  
"Why don't you do one of your mind-reading thinga-ma-jigies," suggested Celeborn. "Him and his motly crew are on our borders as we speak."  
  
"Fine," said Galadriel, and closed her eyes, focusing in on Elrond's thoughts.  
  
~Stacy's mom has got it going on ... ooo i love that song ... i need some cheese ... ooo look a fluffy little bunny rabbit! Must - contain - myself ...~  
  
"Ugh," said Galadriel to Celeborn, "This is why I needed a psychiatrist in the first place."  
  
"Just talk to him," said Celeborn.  
  
"Okay," said Galadriel, once again focusing in on Elrond's thoughts.  
  
~Bye, bye, Miss American Pie ...~  
  
~Elrond!~  
  
~What? Oh, Galadriel, your ladyship~ *blushes* ~Of what service can I be to you?~  
  
~Why on earth are you throwing a PARTY at MY home???~  
  
~Didn't you get my letter? The One Sock has been destroyed - god, Gimli smells - sorry, your ladyship ... and I couldn't throw the party at Rivendell.~  
  
~And why not?~  
  
~It's too BORING. Nobody wants to throw a party at Rivendell.~  
  
~I see. And WTH are you talking about when you say, 'gay ninjas'???~  
  
~Oh. You see, the One Sock controlled people and turned them into gay ninjas. It was quite embarassing, seeing as it was happening in Rivendell. But now the Sock is gone.~  
  
~Uh huh. And were you a - gay ninja, as well?~  
  
~No, of course not!~  
  
~Elrond, were you dancing with your coat rack again?~  
  
"Elrond, your face is completely red!" Merry observed from beside Elrond.  
  
"He's BLUSHING," said Pippin, giggling.  
  
"ENOUGH!" yelled Elrond, and continued to make his way to Lorien.  
  
~Elrond?~  
  
~N- No, of course not.~  
  
~Yeah right, Elrond, you are such a horrible liar.~  
  
Galadriel rubbed her head, feeling a headache coming on.  
  
"If he's giving you a migrain, you can stop," said Celeborn.  
  
Galadriel opened her eyes. "Thank you!"  
  
"So?"  
  
Galadriel paused.  
  
"Prepare yourself, darling. We're going to have a party."  
  
Celeborn gulped.  
  
"With rum."  
  
Celeborn brightened.  
  
"Well, in THAT case ..."  
  
"And none for you."  
  
Celeborn gaped at her.  
  
"Why not?" he whined.  
  
"Do you even remember the last time you got drunk?"  
  
Celeborn blushed.  
  
"We had to lock you in a cage to keep you under control."  
  
"But - that was only once, dear ..."  
  
"Oh yeah?" said Galadriel. "Do you remember the time before that? When Gandalf had to turn you into a RUBBER DUCK to keep you quiet???"  
  
"That memory still haunts me," said Gandalf, opening the door. For once, he wasn't wearing anything unusual.  
  
"Gandalf!" said Celeborn, alarmed. "Is everyone here already???"  
  
"No, no," said Gandalf, "I just rode in on Shadowfax to help prepare for the party."  
  
Galadriel tapped into his mind to see if he was telling the truth.  
  
~He broke my vase! That Peregrin Took, that stupid bloody, *bleep!*in *bleep!*er!!! I will, I will, KILL HIM!!! No, Gandalf, calm yourself. Think happy thoughts. WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU!!! dunununun WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU!!!~  
  
Galadriel opened her eyes, shuddered, and told Gandalf to wait outside.  
  
She turned to her husband.  
  
"Well, what are you waiting for??? Tell everyone to get ready for this party! And bring LOTS of rum! And don't worry, dear," she said, looking at the lighted up expression on her husband's face and smirking. "I've already told them you're not allowed to have any."  
  
Celeborn scowled and walked out the door.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
to be continued :):):) 


	13. Party Preparations

Once Galadriel had walked out the door, she was greeted with a lot of questions and answers from Gandalf.  
  
"What kind of party are we having??? Oh, a wild one!!! What kind of food are we having? How about stuffed crust pizza!!!" Gandalf was waaaay off his rocker. "Should I bring my fireworks? Yes, I'm bringing my fireworks!"  
  
"Gandalf!" shouted Galadriel, "I will take care of the planning, you just -" she looked around, "Make sure Celeborn doesn't have any rum."  
  
"Aye-aye, captain!" said Gandalf, and with a solute, ran after Celeborn, leaving Galadriel completely confused.  
  
"Lady Galadriel!" an elf shouted after Galadriel had taken three minutes to calm herself. "Lord Celeborn's got himself stuck in a tree!"  
  
Galadriel looked at him skeptically. "My husband knows how to climb trees."  
  
"Oh, not this one, fair lady," said the elf, shaking his head. "He was trying to get some leaves off a mallorn tree to make tea, I think, and, well, the tree didn't take too kindly to being pulled apart ..."  
  
"Oi," said Galadriel, putting a hand to her forehead. "All right, show me where he is."  
  
The elf lead her to a tree in the middle of the forest, and under the tree stood Gandalf, looking up into the tree gleefully, where Celeborn was stuck.  
  
"Gandalf," asked Galadriel cautiously, "What did you do?"  
  
Gandalf turned around. "Oh, Lady Galadriel, your ladyship."  
  
Galadriel raised her eyebrows at Gandalf's obvious lack of good grammar.  
  
"Well, you see," said Gandalf, "He was trying to get some leaves, and -"  
  
And as Gandalf kept babbling, Galadriel once again broke into his mind.  
  
~Hahaha! He is trapped ... he shall NOT be coming down from there for a while! heheheheee ... he was trying to steal my precious RUM, yes, yes, he was ... now, calm down, Gandalf, take a deep breath ... WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU!~  
  
Galadriel opened her eyes and scowled at Gandalf. "If you would stop mentally singing that song and THINK for a moment, Gandalf, WHY is my husband trapped up there?"  
  
Gandalf shrugged. "His fault, not mine."  
  
Galadriel sighed and called to Celeborn.  
  
"CELEBORN!"  
  
Celeborn looked down from his odd, stuck position in the tree.  
  
"Yes, dear?"  
  
"What in Varda's name are you DOING up there???"  
  
"Getting some tea, darling..."  
  
"Oh, don't you DARLING me!" shouted Galadriel. "I know what you're thinking!"  
  
Celeborn gulped.  
  
"Gandalf, would you kindly do some magic and get Celeborn down from there?" asked Galadriel.  
  
"Oh, I can make some magic, love," said a drunk Jack Sparrow, walking up from behind Gandalf, holding onto a tree for support.  
  
"What is HE doing here?"  
  
"Don't ask me," said Gandalf, "I have no clue."  
  
He looked around and realized everyone was staring at him.  
  
"I shall be in my TRAILER," he said haughtily, strutting away.  
  
Galadriel raised her eyebrows.  
  
"GANDALF!" shouted Celeborn in dismay.  
  
Gandalf flicked his staff at the tree and Celeborn fell out of it.  
  
"Ow," he said, rubbing his backside where he had landed.  
  
Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Lorien, the whole of Rivendell was singing, led by Merry and Pippin. (Oh, except for Elrond. Hehe)  
  
"What shall we do with a drunken sailor!?!" sang Pippin.  
  
"What shall we do with a drunken sailor!?!" repeated Merry.  
  
"What shall we do with a drunken sailor early in the mornin'!?!" they sang together.  
  
And to this, the rest of Rivendell replied,  
  
"Put 'im in a bed with the captain's daughter!" Elrond looked at them all, mortified.  
  
"Put 'im in a bed with the captain's daughter!" they continued, "Put 'im in the back with the captain's daughter early in the mornin'!"  
  
And Merry and Pippin joined in, singing, "Hooray! And up she rises! Hooray! And up she rises! Hooray! And up -"  
  
"SHUT THE F*CK UP!!!" shouted Elrond, his face as red as a tomato. (A/N: This fic is rated PG13 for a reason)  
  
"Well," said Pippin, as everyone stopped and stared at Elrond. "Where's your holiday spirit, Lord Elrond?"  
  
"It's the middle of Forelithe!(June, on the Shire calendar)" shouted Elrond, his face purpling.  
  
"I meant, the SUMMER holiday," said Pippin, slowly, as if he were talking to a child, "You know, when you don't have to work?"  
  
Elrond scowled at him and continued walking.  
  
"Fine, BE that way," said Merry. "Everyone - ONE MORE TIME!"  
  
"WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH A -"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"  
  
And Elrond ran away.  
  
"Hehe," snickered Pippin.  
  
"That got rid of him, everyone!" said Merry triumphantly.  
  
"Yay!" chorused the Rivendellers. (A/N: Rivendellers? Is that even a word??? Bare with me, here, I didn't know what to call them!)  
  
And they began singing this song:  
  
"Balin Son of Fundin died in Moria! Balin Son of Fundin fought the Orcia! Left with good ol' Bilbo early in the morn'! In search of gold and riches, and wonders not yet born! But what if good ol' Bilbo with unexpecting heart, left home to fight the dragon, in sorrowful depart? In Gollum's cave of dark and gloom he found a Ring of Power, little did he know the doom to come at later hour!"  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"Celeborn, I want all trees decorated, plenty of party favors, and lots of GOOD music. Not that shit you listen to," said Galadriel.  
  
"Yep, got it," said Celeborn, jotting notes down on a clipboard, afraid to argue with his wife.  
  
"Fine," said Galadriel, and putting one hand on her hip and the other on her forehead, she said dramatically, "I shall be in my psychiatrist's office."  
  
And she stalked off.  
  
Celeborn was about to go after her, insisting that she NOT go to that psychiatrist, when Jack Sparrow put his hand on Lord Celeborn's shoulder, and whispered, "Don't worry about her, lad, now WE have all the rum."  
  
"But she said -"  
  
"Do you want the rum or not?" asked Jack impatiently.  
  
"Um, yes..." said Celeborn, "but -"  
  
"Then follow me!" said Jack gleefully, and he began skipping.  
  
Celeborn looked doubtfull.  
  
"Cmon, lad, the rum's waiting for us!"  
  
With a heavy sigh, wondering what Galadriel might do to him if he were to be caught with rum, Celeborn asked another elf to manage the party preparations.  
  
Once they got to the stash of rum, Jack slipped easily pass the guards. Celeborn thought he could just casually walk into it, but the two guards standing on either side of the door crossed the spears they held in front of the door.  
  
"You know what Lady Galadriel said," said the one on the left, while the one on the right nodded.  
  
Celeborn scowled and walked away.  
  
"DRINK UP ME HEARTIES YO HO!" came a bad sing-song voice through the trees, and Celeborn saw Jack Sparrow carrying four bottles of rum. Celeborn went to grab two, but Jack only let him have one.  
  
"Three for me," he said, and began drinking.  
  
Celeborn sighed, looked at his bottle, and said, "What have I gotten myself into?"  
  
And he drank the rum.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
to be continued ...  
  
The song Balin Son of Fundin is a song that my friends made up just so you know  
  
hope you liked this chapter! (i tried to make it longer) 


	14. Right Before They Got to Lorien

Galadriel, while walking through the forest, looking for Celeborn and Jack Sparrow, almost fainted when she saw her husband and Jack Sparrow in pink boxer shorts dancing to "YMCA".  
  
"CELEBORN I THOUGHT I SAID NO RUM!"  
  
Celeborn turned around, took one look at Galadriel, and dashed out of sight.  
  
Galadriel turned her piercing stare onto Jack Sparrow.  
  
Jack cowered against her glare and then followed Celeborn.  
  
Galadriel lifted her arms up in the air in defeat, and muttered to a nearby elf, "Warn everyone in Lorien that a drunk Jack Sparrow and Celeborn are roaming freely through our lands." She put her hand on her forehead dramatically. "I need to see my psychiatrist."  
  
She looked over at the elf she had been talking to. "You take over party preparations."  
  
"But - but -"  
  
"Don't 'but' the Queen of Lothlorien!" snapped Galadriel, and left to have an - uh - appointment.  
  
The elf, who's name was Tenuvian, stared after Galadriel in shock, and then roused Lorien's inhabitants.  
  
"I want chips, dip, soda, music, a DJ, everything!" yelled Tenuvian. "This party needs to be a REAL par-tay!"  
  
Then he began dancing. "Get low, get low, get low, get low," he sang, "To the windooooow, to the walls! To the sweat run down by balls! Down these females crawl!"  
  
The elves, now and again glancing sideways at Tenuvian to make sure he was sane, got to work, and after they were done - let's just say the Shirefolk could never compete with THIS party, baby.  
  
"Tig."  
  
"Tag."  
  
"Double Tig."  
  
"You can't Double Tig a Tag! Now you've got to pull my boxers down and act like an elephant."  
  
Merry and Pippin had FINALLY stopped singing, (to Elrond's delight) and were continuously poking one another on the shoulder and saying "tig" and "tag". Apparently it was some sort of game.  
  
"You see," said Aragorn, indicating Merry and Pippin, speaking as if he were on the Discovery Channel, "The mating habits of these bizarre creatures..."  
  
"We're not gay," interrupted Merry, glaring at Aragorn. "That's Frodo and Sam."  
  
"Hey!" snarled Sam, brandishing his frying pan. "At least I'm not Legolas, being all girly and prissy and... heck, his bedroom's covered in flowers!"  
  
Legolas whipped out his white knives. "What did you say?"  
  
Sam gulped. "Noth-"  
  
"He said that YOU were the gay one," said Frodo, stepping in front of Sam, "We've all seen the way you look at Gimli."  
  
"WHAT???" shouted Legolas, turning red.  
  
"Yeah," said Eomer, "Remember when we first met? I threatened to kill Gimli and you threatened to kill me."  
  
Legolas turned even redder. "We're FRIENDS, you idiot!"  
  
"And have you seen the way he looks when Aragorn touches his shoulder..." Faramir whispered to Elrohir.  
  
"ENOUGH!" shouted Aragorn. "I think we ALL know who's the gay one in Rivendell."  
  
Everyone looked at him.  
  
He looked around at them, and whispered, "Elrond."  
  
Everyone turned around to look at Elrond.  
  
He was crouched on the ground, crawling around and chasing a squirrel.  
  
"Must - have - SQUIRREL!!!"  
  
"Yep," said Merry, "You're right, Aragorn."  
  
"For once," muttered Pippin.  
  
Aragorn, having heard that last comment, lunged at Pippin with a loud "RAAAAAR!!" and Pippin and Merry dashed out of the way, and they ran the rest of the way to Lorien, everyone in Rivendell chasing after them. 


	15. The Beginning of the Party

When Merry and Pippin, being chased by everyone in Rivendell, got to the party, they were astonished and amazed to find that Lorien was having the best party of the Third Age!  
  
There was awesome music and an elven DJ, and strobe lights everywhere.  
  
Merry and Pippin began dancing with each other, now and again stepping on each other's large hairy feet. The song that was playing was called "Old McGollum's Sock".  
  
"OLD MCGOLLUM HAD A SOCK!" sang Merry.  
  
"EEEE-IIII-EEEE-IIII-OOOO!" sang Pippin.  
  
Galadriel, having just gotten done with her - erm - appointment, walked in on this disturbing scene.  
  
ELROND!  
  
Elrond gulped.  
  
Yes, Lady Galadriel?  
  
Stop chasing that squirrel and make the DJ play another song! This one's giving me a headache.  
  
Oh. Elrond obediently stopped chasing the squirell, but not after he had given it one last ugly look. Of course, Lady.  
  
And as he walked over to the DJ, Celeborn and Jack whipped past him, in nothing but their boxers.  
  
Oh god that's disgusting thought Elrond, and Galadriel replied I'm just glad it wasn't you.  
  
Hey!  
  
Well, you ARE the gay one. You would've had Jack stripped down to n-  
  
NUH-UH!  
  
Yuh-huh.  
  
You're wrong.  
  
You're in denial.  
  
NUH-UH!  
  
You see?  
  
NUH-UH!  
  
Galadriel rubbed her forehead. "Oh, where is my psychiatrist?" And she left once again for her - er - appointment.  
  
Just then, two hobbit lasses walked in on the party.  
  
"Oh, look, Sandra - two fine men!" one of them squealed, looking at Merry and Pippin.  
  
"I get the hott one," said the other, walking towards Merry.  
  
"And I get the sexy beast," said Sandra, walking up to Pippin.  
  
"Helloooo, ladies," said Merry and Pippin, each taking one in his arms. They grinned slyly at each other and then began slow dancing with Sandra and Patricia.  
  
"Suga Suga, how'd ya get so fly... suga suga, how'd Peregrin get so fine..." Sandra was whispering in Pippin's ear, which made him go red.  
  
"HAHAHA, PIPPIN'S A TOMATO! HAHAHAAAA!" yelled a drunk Celeborn.  
  
"Uh-oh," said Tenuvian, who had been overlooking the party. "EVERYONE RUN!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"CELEBORN'S ON RUM!!!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"  
  
But then Celeborn ran away.  
  
"Nevermind," said Tenuvian, "False alarm..."  
  
sorry it's been taking me so long to update! i have to write a story for school and if i win i get $25! but i'm done now so hopefully i'll be updating more frequently :) 


	16. The Mob

Everyone just kinda looked at Tenuvian and went back to their dancing.  
  
"Tell me about yourself, sexy beast," said Sandra.  
  
"What?" said Pippin.  
  
"I said, tell me about yourself."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Tell me about yourself!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF!"  
  
At this, everyone looked at them.  
  
"I don't quite understand you," said Pippin, smiling vaguely.  
  
"Rrgh!" said Sandra. "Come, Patricia, we're leaving!"  
  
And she stormed off, dragging Patricia behind her.  
  
"What was that for?" asked Merry, looking at Pippin concernedly.  
  
"I don't like being called a sexy beast," said Pippin simply, and Merry shook his head. "Pippin, it's a compliment!"  
  
Pippin looked confused. "Really? Because I thought..."  
  
"Yes really!" said Merry. "It's alright, I've got you to dance with."  
  
Pippin laughed and threw his arms around Merry's neck.  
  
"Merry," said Pippin through giggles, "You know how gay this probably looks?"  
  
Merry laughed too. "You're right," he said, letting go of Pippin. He broke into a fit of laughter along with Pippin.  
  
They had a good time for a couple of hours, drinking rum... playing bagpipes...  
  
Until Elrond came. Dun dun dun...  
  
Everything and everyone grew quiet when he came into sight. He was wearing dark sunglasses and a serious expression.  
  
"We must destroy the virus," he said.  
  
Everyone looked around, confused.  
  
"The hobbits. They are the virus."  
  
Everyone brought out torches.  
  
"Merry," said Pippin.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I think we should run."  
  
"Good idea."  
  
And they ran, the mob chasing after them.  
  
They heard Gimli shouting, "You'll be sorry you ever glued my axe to my boxers, Peregrin Took!" and Eomer shouting, "Down with the silly string!"  
  
They kept running.  
  
"HOBBITS ARE A VIRUS WE MUST KILL THEM!!!"  
  
"I thought this was supposed to be a party!" Pippin exclaimed, panting.  
  
"Well, plans change," said Merry, glancing behind him. "One minute we're having a good time, next Elrond and his legion of torch-carrying delinquents are chasing us."  
  
"That just about describes it," said Pippin, slowing down. "Merry I can't r-run anymore..."  
  
Just then a large hairy something crashes through the trees and into Merry. They fall over.  
  
"Hey," said Pippin, "What dyou think you're... Cousin It?!" his eyes lightened up with glee. "I haven't seen you for ages, there's so much i've got to tell you..."  
  
"Get it off me!" came Merry's muffled yell.  
  
"Oh, yes, right... well, Cousin It, would you kindly get off Merry and... ah, there we are, good, very good, Merry are you okay?"  
  
Merry brushed dirt off his coat with a scowl just before the mob caught up with them.  
  
Angry elves, humans, and dwarves surrounded them. And all they could do was stand there, paralyzed with fear.  
  
chapter 17 almost done :)  
  
i'm still waiting to hear if i won the story contest or not 


	17. A Riot and a Drunk Celeborn

"Uh-oh," said Merry, frightened.  
  
"We have them," said Elrond. "Burn them."  
  
The mobs' faces grinned evilly and lowered their torches down to Merry and Pippin...  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" came a loud yell from outside the mob. A second later, Frodo pushed aside some of the mob, grabbed Merry and Pippins' hands, and pulled them out.  
  
"What about Cousin It?" asked Pippin frantically.  
  
"Um..." said Frodo. There was a big WHOOSH and they saw Cousin It run out of the mob and back into the forest.  
  
The mob advanced on the hobbits.  
  
"Look," said Elrond with glee, "There's one of the gay ninja hobbits! Get him, boys!"  
  
"What?" yelped Frodo, eyes wide in terror. "No! No, no - wait - you must understand..."  
  
But that look in Elrond's eyes told Frodo he would not rest until he had had his revenge.  
  
"I'm not a gay ninja anymore!" said Frodo, backing away with Merry and Pippin. "I - I..."  
  
A tall blonde elven maiden walked past them.  
  
"I - am soooo gone," said Frodo, and hurried after the elf.  
  
"Frodo! You gay little -"  
  
"Merry, now is not the time -"  
  
"I will kick your ass for this you stupid -"  
  
"MERRY!"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Run little hobbits, run!" taunted Elrond, a mad gleam in his eye.  
  
"Good idea," said Merry, and they ran.  
  
"You know," said Eomer, "This is kinda stupid."  
  
"Yeah," said Faramir, "Being led in a riot against Merry and Pippin with Elrond, who thinks he's some big shot -"  
  
"What was that?" asked Elrond, turning around, the whole crowd stopping.  
  
"I say," said Eomer, "That we should continue this riot... against Elrond!"  
  
"Yeah!" yelled the crowd.  
  
"But - but -"  
  
"Torch him!"  
  
"No," said Faramir, "Silly String him!"  
  
"YEAH!"  
  
"Uh-oh," said Elrond, and he ran as fast as he possibly could away from the silly string-obsessed mob.  
  
"Merry," said Pippin, once they had gotten back to where the party was, "I don't think they're after us anymore."  
  
"What makes you say that?"  
  
"Look." He pointed to the mob turning the corner, chasing Elrond.  
  
"Well, they've finally turned on him," said Merry, smiling.  
  
"Of course they have," said Pippin, taking a bite out of an apple he had found on a table, "It was only a matter of time before they realized -"  
  
"CELEBORN! I REALLY THINK YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK!" came Jack Sparrow's yell.  
  
Merry and Pippin exchanged glances, then ran over to where they had heard Jack.  
  
Celeborn was in a bar, his shirt off, singing 'Hit Me With Your Best Shot' way off key, and everyone in the bar was glaring at him.  
  
"Yikes," said Pippin.  
  
"We'd better let Galadriel sort out this one," said Merry.  
  
"I agree."  
  
Merry went to Galadriel's psychiatrist's office (Pippin was left staring at Celeborn) and knocked on the door.  
  
There were several loud crashing noises and Galadriel peeked her face out.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Your husband's been drinking, milady."  
  
Galadriel's eyes widened and she quickly shut the door.  
  
Merry stood there, staring at the door, and before he could knock on the door again, Galadriel came rushing out, nearly slamming the door in his face, and ran to Celeborn.  
  
"Oh my god," she said, looking at her husband. "Okay, Tenuvian? Where are you? Oh yes, there you are - I need you to get him into a hospital ward this instant."  
  
"Of course, Lady Galadriel," said Tenuvian, and, with Galadriel, her psychiatrist, Merry, and Pippin looking on, he wrestled him into a cage. "Got him."  
  
"Good, now take him to the hospital. Maybe they can knock some sanity into him."  
  
"I hope so," said Tenuvian, struggling with the cage, Celeborn making gurgling noises inside it.  
  
Galadriel looked at Celeborn, said, "I told you not to drink rum, dear," and left with her psychiatrist, and Tenuvian left with Celeborn.  
  
Now this leaves our dear little Merry and Pippin in a bar with a whole bunch of drunk elves and a mob on the loose. I wonder what happens next :)  
  
I didn't win the contest :( oh well 


	18. Ulmária

"Pip," said Merry, "I really think we should -"  
  
"Look over there!" said Pippin, pointing to a table. "A drinking contest! I'm wonderful at those! Remember the time in Buckland, when Old Trollo Brandybuck thought he could beat me in-"  
  
"Yes, yes, everyone remembers that," said Merry, growing impatient, "but we really mustn't stick around and -"  
  
There was a loud explosion from outside, and a yell of, "We'll get you, Elrond!"  
  
Merry cringed. "Er - maybe we should stay and have a drink."  
  
Pippin strolled over to the counter.  
  
"Two pints, please," he said to the bartender.  
  
"Of what?" asked the bartender. "We have rum, beer, ale, and, of course, the Ulmária."  
  
"What's that?" asked Pippin interestedly.  
  
"Oh, that's the strongest stuff in Middle-Earth, only found in Lorien," said the bartender with a sly smile. "Not many a man can take that stuff."  
  
"Was that what Celeborn was drinking?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Oh, no, that was just rum." The bartender shuddered. "I'd hate to see what he's like on Ulmária."  
  
"Well," said Pippin, "We'll take two pints of Ulmária, then."  
  
Everyone in the bar got quiet and turned to look at Merry and Pippin.  
  
"You best not, lads," said the badtender seriously. "You'd go mad!"  
  
"Do you even know who you happen to be talking to?" challenged Pippin, rising up to his full height, which really didn't have the desired effect, seeing as he was 3'8" and the bartender was over 6 feet tall.  
  
"He's already mad," muttered Merry.  
  
Pippin scowled at him.  
  
"I'll have you know," he said, "I've smoked the strongest weed in the Southfarthing, drank the strongest stuff in the Green Dragon, and now you're telling me I can't drink some strong elvish stuff?"  
  
"Well," said the bartender pouring a glass of clear, foaming liquid, "All right. But I must warn you -"  
  
Pippin took a large gulp of the Ulmária.  
  
"- you'll have terrible gas after you've drank this," finished the bartender.  
  
Merry backed away from Pippin. Everyone else followed his lead.  
  
At that moment, Elrond rushed in and slammed the door.  
  
Panting, he said, "They almost had me, but they'll never think to -"  
  
He buried his nose in his shirt and let out a muffled, "Oh my god, what IS that smell???"  
  
For Pippin had just had some horrible gas, and was now sitting in a chair, panting.  
  
"Wow," he said, "That IS some strong stuff."  
  
"Ugh!" said Elrond, and ran out the door.  
  
They heard a loud crash and Elrond screaming, and someone yelling, "Get 'im! Get 'im!"  
  
"AAAA!" came Elrond's fading scream. 


	19. SillyStringing Elrond and Leaving for Ho...

"We should probably leave," said Pippin, and he and Merry left the bar and went back to the party, which wasn't much of a party seeing as just about everyone was chasing Elrond with silly string.  
  
"So," said Merry, "What do you want to do?"  
  
"Um..." said Pippin, looking around for something to entertain himself with. "I really... FOOD!"  
  
He dashed over to the snacks table and began pigging out on potato chips.  
  
Merry looked at him in disgust.  
  
"Pippin," he said, "that's NOT how you eat snacks, THIS is how you eat snacks."  
  
He began stuffing food down his shirt. "Smuggle it out of the party and save it til later," he said. He and Pippin broke out into a fit of laughter.  
  
"Merry! Pippin!" shouted Eomer from behind a tree. "Do you want to help us chase Elrond with PINK silly string?"  
  
"Yeah!" said Pippin with glee, and took a bottle of silly string from Eomer. Merry followed suit.  
  
"So, Eomer," said Merry, "Where'd you get all this pink silly string?"  
  
Eomer blushed scarlet and muttered something Merry couldn't hear.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Uh - never mind," said Eomer, "Let's go chase Elrond!"  
  
"Yeah!" shouted Pippin, and they commenced their searching for Elrond, for he had slipped out of the mob's grasp a few minutes ago and they had split up to search for him, according to Eomer.  
  
"You guys found him yet?" asked Aragorn, walking up to them.  
  
"Sadly, no," said Merry.  
  
"Wonder where he could be?" asked Pippin.  
  
Meanwhile, outside Galadriel's psychiatrist's office...  
  
Elrond raced up a tree and in front of the door to Galadriel's psychiatrist's office.  
  
"They won't find me here," he muttered to himself. "I hope."  
  
"More, MORE!" came Galadriel's shout from inside the office.  
  
Elrond paused, disgusted, then pushed open the door.  
  
Galadriel was sitting on her psychiatrist's lap, and he was feeding her candy.  
  
"More, M-" Galadriel stopped in mid-sentence as Elrond came in the door. "ELROND! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???"  
  
"Sorry, Lady, but a mob of silly-stringers are chasing me."  
  
Is that what you're really thinking? thought Galadriel. Let's see...  
  
One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of-  
  
Galadriel sighed. Mental Note. Never read Elrond's mind.  
  
"He can stay here," said the psychiatrist. "But I doubt the mob will quit looking for you anytime soon."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because," said Galadriel. "We know."  
  
"Oh, yes, you're little mirror thingy..."  
  
"No," said Galadriel. "We are part of the mob."  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" screamed Elrond and ran out of the office.  
  
"That got him to leave," said Galadriel. "Now where were we..."  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"Merry... I - can't -"  
  
"No wait, lemme guess, Pip. You can't walk any farther."  
  
"How'd you know?"  
  
"You've been saying that for the past five minutes."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Merry! Pippin! I've found him!" shouted Eomer.  
  
Merry and Pippin scrambled over to where Elrond was cowering in fear of over half the mob, and brandished their silly string.  
  
About two minutes later, Gandalf asked, "Is everybody here?"  
  
"Yeah!" shouted the mob.  
  
"Are we gonna silly string this maniac?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Are we ready to rock and roll?"  
  
Crickets chirped into the silence.  
  
"Er - I mean... FIRE AWAY!"  
  
Within a matter of seconds Elrond was covered in a huge pile of pink silly string.  
  
"Well, that's that," said Merry. He yawned. "We'd better be heading back to Rivendell, so I can head home to Buckland. And with Sam being Mayor and all, it may be kaotic when we get home."  
  
"I heard that!" shouted Sam.  
  
"Wait a minute," said Pippin, "Isn't Frodo supposed to be in the Undying Lands?"  
  
"We just saw him," said Merry.  
  
There was a long silence.  
  
"Maybe we're in the Matrix," said Pippin, looking around in fear.  
  
Merry whacked Pippin on the head.  
  
"You idiot, that was a movie."  
  
"It could happen."  
  
"No it couldn't."  
  
"Yes it could."  
  
"Nuh-uh."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"Nuh-uh."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"Nuh - Oh, this is stupid... come on Pip, let's just pretend we never saw Frodo..."  
  
Frodo bounced past them on a pogo stick and shouted, "Hey Merry! Hey Pippin!"  
  
Merry and Pippin looked at each other, shocked, then ran after Frodo, shouting, "Wait! Frodo! How'd you get here?"  
  
But Frodo had already disappeared into the mist.  
  
"Maybe we're REALLY homesick," said Pippin.  
  
"Yeah," said Merry, "L-Let's go home."  
  
So they headed back to Rivendell and packed their bags.  
  
"Thank you for your hospitality, Elrond," said Merry when they were departing from Rivendell.  
  
Elrond didn't say anything, as his mouth had been contaminated by silly string and the doctor had advised him not to talk for two weeks. He merely nodded.  
  
"We'll miss you all," said Sam.  
  
"Not," muttered Pippin, and Merry elbowed him in the side. "Ow!"  
  
"We shall see you in three months," said Gandalf. "Elrond, Legolas and I plan to visit the Shire at Bag End. Look to my coming at the first light on the fifth day of November."  
  
"Woah, de ja vou," said Aragorn, rubbing his head.  
  
"Farewell, hobbits!" said Gandalf.  
  
"Namarie!" said Legolas.  
  
Elrond narrowed his eyes at Pippin, then waved them good-bye.  
  
"See you in three months, then," said Sam, and they left Rivendell on ponies.  
  
hyperactiveforever you owe me cheese :) haha 


	20. Wrestling and Wizards

Before you read, please know that I have absolutely NOTHING against Harry Potter, I LOVE both Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, but I thought this would be a unique little twist to the story, even for those who don't like Harry Potter. And for those who haven't read Harry Potter, this isn't really a significant chapter anyway. I just thought some people might like it  
  
"We should stop at Bree," said Sam to Merry, "I have an aquaintance there who wants to trade."  
  
"Let's go through the Old Forest," said Pippin. "See old Bombadil."  
  
Sam and Merry looked at him in disbelief.  
  
"Are you mad?" said Merry.  
  
"The last time we went in there you two nearly got suffocated by a tree!" said Sam.  
  
"Well, when we were in Gondor we nearly got killed by Nazgul, Trolls, and Orcs," said Pippin, and we've been going back there a lot lately.  
  
Sam sighed in exasperation. "He'll never learn."  
  
"Learn what?" asked Merry.  
  
"You're stupid too," said Sam, shaking his head in disbelief.  
  
"Hey!" said Pippin. "Don't talk about my cousin that way!"  
  
"Oh, you wanna start something?" said Sam.  
  
"Bring it on," said Pippin.  
  
They stopped their ponies and Sam and Pippin dismounted, fists balled in fury.  
  
"You want a peice of me?" said Sam, a wild gleam in his eye. "Eh?"  
  
"Uh, guys, we shouldn't really -" started Merry.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" shouted Pippin as he lunged at Sam and pinned him to the ground.  
  
"What the -" Merry was trying to contemplate what he was seeing. Did Pippin actually just pin the mayor of Hobbiton to the ground in a wrestling move? Oh, no...  
  
"You - filthy - little -" said Sam, punching every inch of Pippin he could reach, "BRAT!"  
  
There came a sudden shrill whistle from right beside Merry's left ear.  
  
"Ow!"  
  
Merry turned to the side and saw Harry Potter in a referee's outfit, blowing a whistle and shouting, "THERE IS NO PUNCHING IN WRESTLING!"  
  
"AAAAAA!!!!!" yelled Merry, trying to get Sam and Pippin's attention. "It's Harry Potter!"  
  
"Who's - that?" asked Pippin in between muffled yells of pain.  
  
"Our worst enemy!" shouted Merry.  
  
"Why?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Hello? Marketing! His movie came out the same time as ours! And everybody knows ours is WAY better!" said Merry.  
  
"THAT'S IT!" shouted Harry, whipping out his wand. "PIPPIN WINS BY DEFAULT!"  
  
"But I was rooting for Pippin," said Merry.  
  
"THEN SAM WINS BY DEFAULT!" yelled Harry.  
  
"NOOOOOOO!!!" yelled Merry, and he jumped on Harry, pinned him to the ground, and before he could do anything more, Professor Dumbledore appeared with a small pop! and looked at Harry and Merry.  
  
"No no no no, Harry!" he said in distress, "You're not supposed to be in the Lord of the Rings story, this causes great controversy..."  
  
"But he insulted our movie!" said Harry.  
  
"WHAT?" demanded Dumbledore, reaching into his robes for his wand. "HOW DARE YOU???"  
  
"AAARGGHH!"  
  
Gandalf had come riding Shadowfax.  
  
"Wait," said Pippin, "Isn't he supposed to be in the Undying Lands too... ???"  
  
"He came back for a visit, remember?" said Sam, helping Pippin up. They both had black eyes and bruises.  
  
"Oh, so that's why Frodo's here!"  
  
"Frodo's not here."  
  
"What???"  
  
Gandalf dismounted his horse and raised his staff.  
  
"You are not the old wizard here!" he bellowed, "I AM!!!"  
  
"I know," said Dumbledore, "But your friend here" he pointed to Merry "insulted my movie!"  
  
"Well it is a bunch of shit," said Gandalf.  
  
"WHAT???" yelled Dumbledore, "You don't know what you're talking about! At least I don't have hairy-footed little beings prancing around my movie -"  
  
"Leave the hobbits out of it!" said Gandalf. "And at least I didn't COPY off of J.R.R. Tolkien with the whole Dementor idea! They're just like Nazgul!"  
  
"Why you -"  
  
"Professor Dumbledore!"  
  
Cornelius Fudge had just appeared beside Dumbledore. "We need to get you back to the nice insane asylum now..."  
  
"But I don't wanna go!" yelled Dumbledore.  
  
"But you MUST -"  
  
"NO!"  
  
And Dumbledore disappeared just as quickly as he had appeared.  
  
"Harry, how could you not remember to tell an authority figure if you saw Dumbledore roaming freely?"  
  
"Sorry. Forgot."  
  
"Well, we'd best get you out of this place... These are our marketing enemies..."  
  
And both Fudge and Harry disappeared.  
  
"Well," said Pippin, "Shall we press on?"  
  
"Uh... Sure..." said Merry, still in a slight daze. 


	21. Author's Note

One of the best parts of writing this story is all the reviews i get! some of them make me laugh as much as this story makes you guys laugh! So I am going to bore you all now and tell you some of my favorite reviews. (if you don't want to hear my babbling then don't read this! lol) I luved the review with nienna and legolas and aragorn and the de ja vou :) and i nearly choked on my food with laughter when i read the one with nienna and harry, nienna, i luv your reviews!!! and hyperactiveforever, i shall help you get out of cheese debt... (gives hyperactiveforever cheese) and you don't owe me cheese now! lol! i luv ALL of your reviews, and most of them (if not all) are complimenting my story, and just so you know i can take constructive criticism so if you think there's something really STUPID in my story just tell me! now for some more of my favorite reviews: hyperactiveforever's TWINSES... that was a funny one! and i also like the one Tiger wrote where he/she (sorry can't tell it's a computer!) kept  
  
laughing while he/she was trying to talk... that really made ME laugh! i luved ALL the reviews, so... you know how people say, 'please update'? Well, PLEASE REVIEW!!! i'm working on chapter 21...  
  
Now you may think I am totally weird for picking out my favorite reviews, but, then again, i AM weird!!! 


	22. Pink, Pink, PINK!

"Merry," said Pippin, head drooping, "I can't -"  
  
"WILL YOU QUIT COMPLAINING?" yelled Sam, "We're almost to Bree!"  
  
"Really?" said Merry, "Well then, Pip, we must get our groove on -"  
  
Sam turned around on his pony to stare at Merry.  
  
"Kidding," said Merry.  
  
Sam shook his head and turned back around.  
  
"We've got about three miles left," said Sam.  
  
"Three miles???" said Pippin, "But I'm hungry!"  
  
"Then eat something," said Sam.  
  
"I can't," said Pippin.  
  
"And why not?" asked Sam.  
  
"I kinda dropped my bag of food," muttered Pippin.  
  
Sam sighed. "Well then you're just going to have to wait."  
  
"Can't I just have some of yours -"  
  
"NO!"  
  
Pippin scowled. "Git."  
  
They rode on for another hour or so.  
  
"Here," said Sam, "Just over this hill should be... holy shit!"  
  
"I've heard of holy cows before," said Pippin, "But never of - woah..."  
  
"Well, there's a sight you don't see every day," said Merry.  
  
Bree, once a regular grimy old city, was now covered in PINK FLOWERS.  
  
"WTH???" exclaimed Merry.  
  
"What...???" said Pippin.  
  
"What happened?" asked Sam.  
  
"Come, merry hobbits! You must dance!" yelled a villager as they passed through the pink-flower-covered gate and into Bree. He was wearing pink.  
  
"AAAAAAAAA!!!" screamed Sam, chewing on his fingernails.  
  
"Don't be a wuss," said another villager, "Dance!"  
  
"Yes, dance for us, hobbits!" shouted yet another villager.  
  
"Dance!"  
  
"Dance, dance, dance!"  
  
"DANCE, DANCE, DANCE, DANCE..."  
  
The villagers were turning into a crowd of pink dancing-flower-loving zombies.  
  
"RUN!" shouted Sam. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"  
  
And he and the other hobbits galloped their ponies far away from Bree.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!!"  
  
Sam was still screaming when they were like twenty miles away from Bree.  
  
Merry poked him. "Sam?"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!!"  
  
"Sam??"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!!"  
  
"SAM???!!!"  
  
Sam ceased his screaming.  
  
"Thank you!" said Pippin, pulling his fingers out of his ears.  
  
"Well, now what do we do?" asked Merry.  
  
"Just go to the Shire, I guess," said Pippin.  
  
So they headed for the Shire, but when they got to a fork in the road, the pathway to the Shire was blocked by giant pink toads.  
  
"Pippin," whispered Merry, "WTH's going on here?"  
  
"Don't worry," said Pippin, "I can speak toad."  
  
"No you can't," said Sam.  
  
"Watch me," said Pippin. "Hem hem... CROAK!"  
  
The toads just stared at them.  
  
"CROAK Crrroak, croooooaaakkk, CRoaK!"  
  
The toads began casting glances towards each other, but remained where they sat.  
  
"CROAK CROAK cRoAK!!!" yelled Pippin.  
  
The toads scowled at Pippin and each took out a large baseball bat.  
  
"RUN!" shouted Pippin, and he, Merry, and Sam took the other path: the one that led into the Old Forest. 


	23. Party at Bombadil's!

"Frodo's as straight as a rainbow," said Pippin.  
  
"WHAT?" asked Merry and Sam.  
  
Pippin looked up at the sky and said, "Harry Potter's a Wobbuffet."  
  
"A what???"  
  
"Sam, I think Pippin's gone mad," said Merry.  
  
"That may be because we're in the FRICKIN OLD FOREST!!!" said Sam.  
  
"You sound like Dr. Evil," said Pippin.  
  
"Who???" asked Merry.  
  
"You're insane," said Sam.  
  
"Poof!" yelled Pippin.  
  
Merry and Sam looked at each other. "Uh... yeah..."  
  
"Be ready for the masquerade ball!" said Pippin.  
  
"Maybe we should just ignore him," said Merry.  
  
"Good idea," said Sam. "AAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
Pippin had hung a big hairy spider in front of Sam's face.  
  
"Oh get over it," said Merry while rolling his eyes.  
  
"Don't use that tone with me, boy!" yelled Sam.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I am the mayor of Hobbiton! You shan't use that tone with me, lad!"  
  
"Git."  
  
"WHAT???"  
  
"Nuttin."  
  
Sam growled.  
  
"What was that?" asked Pippin. "I thought I heard something."  
  
"That was Sam growling," said Merry.  
  
"No, no... it was something else..."  
  
"Are you sure, Pip?" asked Merry.  
  
Pippin stared for some time at a spot just ahead of them.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Sam, and he ran away.  
  
"Sam, SAM!!!"  
  
"It's no use, Merry, he's gone," said Pippin. "Gone to face the giant pink toads, I expect."  
  
"Yes, but why did he run away?" asked Merry. "I don't see any spid- AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! GAY NINJA HOBBITS GAY NINJA HOBBITS GAY NINJA HOBBITS!!!"  
  
Merry tried to run away from the hideous form that was approaching but Pippin held him back.  
  
"Merry, those are NOT gay ninja hobbits," he said. "That's Tom Bombadil and Goldberry!"  
  
Merry squinted through the fog and could vaguely make out the outline of a tall man and a woman.  
  
"Oh," said Merry, "Hello, Bombadil!"  
  
"What's two hobbits doing in my forest?" asked Bombadil, "Oh! Merry and Pippin!"  
  
"What are you doing in the Old Forest?" asked Goldberry.  
  
"Fishing for gumdrops," said Pippin, looking up at the sky again.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Don't mind him," said Merry, "I think he's had too much to drink."  
  
"Ah," said Bombadil. "What be the real reason two little hobbits are stuck in my forest?"  
  
"Giant pink toads!" screamed Sam, running up to them. "I couldn't face them," he told Merry.  
  
Bombadil and Goldberry looked at each other and shrugged. "Would you like to stay the night?" asked Bombadil. "There's a party going on at my home."  
  
"A party?" said Sam. "Awesome! Let's get funky... uh huh... uh huh..."  
  
"Don't ask," Merry told Bombadil. "Let's go!"  
  
And they left for the party.  
  
The hobbits stepped inside Bombadil's house and gasped. There was a crowd of people cheering around a table in the center of the room, on which Gollum was belly dancing.  
  
"It's Gollum!" yelled Sam. "Get over here you stupid, filthy little -"  
  
"AAAAAAAA!!!" screamed Gollum, "Nasty tricksy hobbitses have come to kill us! Again!"  
  
He scampered out the door and deep into the woods.  
  
"Grr..." said Sam, "I almost had him!"  
  
"I thought we drowned him in the Washer of Doom!" said Pippin.  
  
"So did I!" said Merry. "But apparently he's immune to elven washing machines."  
  
"Shit," said Pippin, "Now what?"  
  
Merry thought for a moment. "Let's just party!"  
  
"Yeah!" shouted Sam. "To the left! Take it back there, yawl! Right foot, let's go! Left foot, let's go! Slide to the left! Slide to the right! Cha-cha real smooth..."  
  
"Oh my," said Merry, watching everyone dance. "Hold on, who is that?"  
  
"I dunno," said Pippin. "Looks like he's having fun, though."  
  
"Let's go dance beside him," said Merry, and they made their way through the crowd to the mysterious stranger cloaked in black.  
  
"Hullo," said Pippin to the man. "Who are you?"  
  
"Dr. Evil," said the man.  
  
"Dr. Evil?" asked Merry. "What kind of a name is that?"  
  
"It's my 'name'," he said, quoting with his fingers when he said the word 'name'.  
  
"Uh... ok," said Pippin. He looked over at Merry, who shrugged.  
  
"Yes, since my 'laser' world domination plan didn't work, I decided to come to 'Middle Earth' to recruit some orcs," said Dr. Evil.  
  
"Well, that's nice," said Pippin. "But I must say, Uruk-hai are much better."  
  
"Really?" asked Dr. Evil. "I shall take that into consideration."  
  
"Douggy!" A strange man wearing even stranger clothes had just barged in.  
  
"Austin!" said Dr. Evil.  
  
"What are you doing here, Douggy?" asked Austin.  
  
"Nothing," said Dr. Evil, chewing on his fingernails.  
  
"This ISN'T our movie!" said Austin. "Come with me, Douggy, we must leave."  
  
"Aww..." said Dr. Evil.  
  
"Dad's orders," said Austin.  
  
"Fine," said Dr. Evil, and he and Austin disappeared into thin air.  
  
Merry and Pippin looked at each other.  
  
"Um..." said Pippin.  
  
"Why don't we just pretend that never happened?" suggested Merry.  
  
"Good idea," said Pippin.  
  
"Get Low Get Low Get Low Get Low TO THE WINDOW, TO THE WALLS!" sang Sam.  
  
"Oi," said Merry. "He's horrible."  
  
"All right, all right, party's over!" yelled Bombadil, and everyone but the three hobbits left.  
  
"You hobbits can spend the night here," said Bombadil, and the three hobbits went to bed.  
  
"Merry," whispered Pippin.  
  
"What?" groaned Merry.  
  
"I just wet my bed."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Kidding."  
  
"Git."  
  
"I am not."  
  
Merry coughed.  
  
"Good night, Pip."  
  
"Night." 


	24. Hormonal Pippin

Sorry, I don't know anything about Les Miserables :(  
  
When Merry woke up, he felt a strange sensation on his face.  
  
"Mmm... what are you doing Pippin?" he muttered as he opened his eyes.  
  
A giant hairy spider was crawling across his face.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!" he screamed, leaping out of bed. "PIPPIN!!!"  
  
He heard a snicker in the corner.  
  
"Show yourself!" he bellowed.  
  
Sam walked out of the shadows.  
  
"Don't be such a wuss, Merry," he said, an evil grin on his face.  
  
"It can't've been you who put that - that - spider on me!" said Merry. "You're terrified of spiders."  
  
Perhaps that was why Sam was in an astronaut suit.  
  
"Pippin put it there," said Sam, "But it was MY idea."  
  
"No it wasn't, you half wit," said Pippin, getting out of bed where he had pretended to be sleeping. "I just warned you I would do it and you went off and put that suit on."  
  
"Where'd you get that, anyway?" asked Merry.  
  
"Dr. Evil gave it to me."  
  
"Dr. Evil ... ???"  
  
"... What???"  
  
"When?"  
  
"Yesterday," said Sam, "Before he and Austin left. I was in the outhouse out back and -"  
  
Merry held up his hand.  
  
"Enough. I don't want to know."  
  
"Fine, then," said Sam.  
  
"Are we leaving yet?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Yeah," said Merry, "Cmon, Sam."  
  
Merry left a thank-you note for Bombadil and Goldberry and the three hobbits once again headed towards home.  
  
"Tig."  
  
"What?"  
  
Pippin poked Merry on the shoulder once more and said "Tig."  
  
"What are you doing, Pippin?" asked Merry.  
  
"Playing a game Frodo taught me."  
  
"How dyou play?" asked Merry.  
  
"Well, the rules are simple," said Pippin. "You poke someone's shoulder saying 'Tig' 'Tag' or 'Tog' or you can double or triple them, and you can't double tig a tag or you will have to act like an elephant and pull my shorts down."  
  
Merry stared at him.  
  
"Here, try it!" said Pippin. "Tag."  
  
Merry looked at Pippin suspiciously, then poked Pippin and said, "Tig."  
  
"Double Tig."  
  
"Double Tag."  
  
"Tig."  
  
"Double Tag."  
  
"Tag."  
  
"Double Tig."  
  
"AAAAH!" said Pippin. "You double tigged a tag!"  
  
"So?" asked Merry.  
  
"Act like an elephant," said Pippin.  
  
Merry put his arm in front of him like a trunk and crawled around on all fours.  
  
"Good, good," said Pippin, and Merry got up.  
  
"Now you have to pull my shorts down."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You're just saying that for your own sick pleasure," said Sam, disgusted.  
  
"No I'm not, it's the rules of the game!" said Pippin.  
  
"He DID say Frodo taught it to him," said Merry.  
  
"And what is that supposed to mean?" asked Sam, rounding on Merry.  
  
"Well, he is a GNH," said Merry, and he and Pippin laughed.  
  
"GNH... what's that? Is it..."  
  
Then it dawned on Sam what they meant.  
  
"FRODO IS NOT A GAY NINJA HOBBIT YOU STUPID FREAKIN LITTLE -"  
  
Merry and Pippin ran away from him and he chased them.  
  
"Pippin! Left!" yelled Merry, pointing, and Pippin ran in the other direction.  
  
Merry grabbed his arm and pulled him around. "No, your OTHER left!"  
  
They ran left and continued running for a while. Then Pippin heard a strange noise and stopped, Merry and Sam banging into him.  
  
"Pippin, what the -"  
  
"Shh," said Pippin. "Do you hear that?"  
  
A low moaning was coming from the shadows under the trees straight ahead of them.  
  
"What is it?" asked Sam.  
  
"How should I know, you ass hole," snapped Pippin.  
  
"Shut up!" whispered Merry, inching as close as he dared to the sound. "It looks like -"  
  
Sam followed him.  
  
"Oh, my..."  
  
Pippin shoved Merry and Sam out of the way and walked a little closer to the figure. At one look at it, he went white and slowly made his way back to his companions.  
  
"It's - it's -" Merry was trying to get the words out.  
  
"It's two vampires f-ing each other, you moron," said Pippin impatiently.  
  
Sam slapped him across the face. "Language!"  
  
"No it's not, you hormonally imbalanced git," said Merry, "It's two vampires playing chess!"  
  
"Oh," said Pippin, blushing madly.  
  
"YOU ARE SUCH A DORK PEREGRIN!" Sam yelled, and the two vampires looked up.  
  
"No," said Pippin slowly, "I really think you're the dork. You've made them look at us..."  
  
The first vampire stood up and bared his sharp, pointy teeth.  
  
Merry gulped.  
  
"Why aren't we running?" asked Pippin through gritted teeth.  
  
"I can't move," complained Sam, staring into the vampire's eyes, just as Merry and Pippin were.  
  
The vampire moved closer to the hobbits and Pippin felt Merry shiver at his side.  
  
"My name is Haera," said the vampire. "Who dares interrupt my chess game???"  
  
Sam raised his hand and Haera hissed at him.  
  
"Haera, calm down," said the other vampire, a woman, stepping out of the shadows. "He can be a little over eccentric sometimes I'm afraid..."  
  
"Jalfira! They interrupted our chess game!"  
  
"Yes, I realize that, but -"  
  
"I'm hungry," said Haera, "Let us feast, Jalfira, my darling..."  
  
Jalfira seemed to be fighting that very impulse.  
  
"No, they seem harmless, dear, we shouldn't eat them..."  
  
Haera stepped closer to the hobbits.  
  
"But you are hungry, as am I..."  
  
Pippin let out a little squeal as Haera touched his shoulder.  
  
Jalfira quickly turned the hobbits' heads away so they were no longer staring at Haera and they could freely move.  
  
"Run," she urged them, and they all ran away.  
  
"That was -" said Pippin.  
  
" - interesting," finished Merry.  
  
Sam's eyes widened.  
  
"I dropped my perfume bottle!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"My perfume bottle, I dropped it while Haera was interrogating us!"  
  
"May I ask why you were carrying a perfume bottle around?" asked Merry.  
  
Sam blushed. "W - well, Elrond kinda dropped it... and I kinda picked it up, and... well, it smells really good..."  
  
"I wonder what Elrond was doing with perfume?" asked Pippin.  
  
"We'll ask him when he comes to visit us in the Shire," said Merry, "But we have to GET there first..."  
  
"Yes, yes, let's hurry on," said Sam, power walking along the path. "I need to get back to Rosie and -"  
  
"Do a little something?" asked Pippin, an evil grin on his face.  
  
"It's the hormones," Merry explained to Sam, "When you reach a certain age... well, luckily I'm already past that stage..."  
  
"Oh yeah," said Sam, "I remember when I was that young." He shuddered. "It still haunts my nightmares."  
  
"Ooooh, tell me tell me!" urged Pippin.  
  
"Tell you what?" asked Merry.  
  
"Tell me what happened when you were - er - my age."  
  
"Well," said Merry. "All right..."  
  
The next chapter will be Merry telling Pippin and Sam about when he was - er - Pippin's age. Be prepared for - er - lots of interesting stuff :) 


	25. Merry's Story

i LUV the reviews! keep reviewing, and i'll keep updating :)  
  
"Alright," said Merry, "Where should I begin... ah, well... I don't know if I should tell you that story..."  
  
"Tell me tell me tell me!" squealed Pippin.  
  
"I really don't want to..."  
  
"Tell me NOW!" roared Pippin, and he pounced on Merry, who screamed in fright and said, "Okay, okay, okay! I'll tell you, just GET OFF ME!"  
  
"He's hormonally imbalanced," Sam reminded Merry, as Pippin sat down and began sobbing.  
  
"It's - it's okay, Pippin, I'll tell you the story..."  
  
"Story time!" exclaimed Pippin.  
  
"Uh... right," said Merry. "Now, it all started one day when I was - erm - BORROWING some cabbages from Old Farmer Maggot when I was about your age, Pip."  
  
"Oh no," said Sam.  
  
"If you don't want to hear -"  
  
"TELL ME!" yelled Pippin.  
  
"O - okay... well, as usual, he was yelling and screaming at me, and I sort of... well..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I got so mad at him, I mooned him -"  
  
"You WHAT?" asked Sam in disgust.  
  
"You heard me," said Merry, and Pippin and Sam looked at each other in disbelief.  
  
"So he ran away, and so did his dogs," continued Merry, "But then - this just happened to be a day that Gandalf was visiting the Shire - Gandalf walked up to me and scolded me for mooning farmer maggot, and I asked 'How did you get here so fast?' and he said 'What are you talking about, Meriadoc?' and I said, 'You weren't here a moment ago,' and he said 'I have my own ways of doing things...' and I said 'Really? Well so do I,' and Gandalf looked at me questioningly, and I gave him a wedgie and ran for it."  
  
"You gave Gandalf a wedgie?" asked Sam.  
  
"I'm just getting started," said Merry, and he continued, "So I ran all the way to the Green Dragon Inn -"  
  
"You ran that far?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Shut up, Pip, it's only two miles."  
  
"Merry, you're a hobbit, two miles is a LONG way to run," said Sam.  
  
"SHUT UP!" yelled Merry, "Now let me tell my story, will you?"  
  
Pippin muttered, "You are such a git."  
  
Merry ignored him and went on with the story.  
  
"So I got to the Green Dragon, and Frodo was there -"  
  
"GNH," muttered Pippin.  
  
Merry cast a sideways glance at him and then continued, "Frodo was trying to get a beer, but the line was really long. I said, 'You need any help, Frodo?' and he said, 'Not unless you can clear this line... looks like it'll take me all day to get some beer...' and I looked at the line, and saw that it was mostly women. So, being at the - uh - hormonally challenged age, I - er - well... I had previously gotten a tattoo on my chest -"  
  
"Really?" asked Pippin. "Let me see it!"  
  
"In a minute, Pip," said Merry, "So I kinda - um - jumpedonthetabletookmyshirtoffandsang."  
  
"Huh?" asked Sam.  
  
"I jumped on the table, took my shirt off and sang."  
  
"And did the girls see your tattoo?" asked Pippin interestedly.  
  
"Oh, you bet they did," said Merry. "They were - kinda ... um... well -"  
  
"Well, what?" asked Sam.  
  
"Lemme see your tattoo," said Pippin.  
  
"Pippin, are you even listening to the story?" asked Sam.  
  
"Yes," said Pippin, "But I wanna see what it looks like."  
  
"Oh, FINE," said Merry, and he unbuttoned his shirt to reveal...  
  
"Ooooooh," said Pippin, eyes widening and licking his lips.  
  
"That's ... oh my..." Sam seemed at a loss for words.  
  
For it was a tattoo of a peice of chocolate cake. And it looked VERY realistic.  
  
"Woah, that's awesome," said Sam, "Now finish the story."  
  
"Yeah," said Pippin, "What were you saying the girls did?"  
  
Merry blushed a deep crimson and didn't say anything.  
  
"Cmon, Merry, tell us," said Sam, grinning. "What'd you do with the girls?"  
  
Merry still didn't say anything.  
  
"Merry! Tell me!" urged Pippin.  
  
"I can tell you the rest of this story," said a voice from behind them.  
  
They all turned around, and standing there before them was Frodo Baggins.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed Pippin, and made a rather rude gesture with his finger toward Frodo and yelled, "GNH! GNH!"  
  
Frodo rolled his eyes.  
  
"Frodo!" said Merry. "How - how...???"  
  
"I have come back to you," said Frodo, and the theme to Lord of the Rings played from somewhere behind him.  
  
He turned around and whispered, "Cut that out!"  
  
The music stopped.  
  
"Mr. Frodo..." said Sam.  
  
"I know I'm supposed to be in the Undying Lands and all that crap," said Frodo impatiently, "But I decided I'd rather stay here."  
  
"Oh," said Merry.  
  
Pippin glared at him.  
  
"And I'm NOT a GNH," said Frodo.  
  
Pippin muttered something.  
  
"Yes, I used to be, but the Sock is destroyed now, isn't it?"  
  
"I think," said Merry. "But I'm not sure. We thought we destroyed Gollum in the Washer of Doom, but then we saw him at a party at Bombadil's the other night."  
  
"You were at a party at Bombadil's?"  
  
"Don't ask."  
  
"I won't," said Frodo. "Anyway, I'll finish the story for you -"  
  
Merry gulped.  
  
"So anyway," Frodo said, "Merry was trying to get all these girls on him at once -"  
  
"I was trying to clear the line for you!" said Merry defensively.  
  
"Yeah, sure," said Frodo, "and they kept throwing themselves on him... like animals... just because he had a tattoo of a peice of cake on his chest..."  
  
"The ladies loved it," said Merry.  
  
"Uh... yeah," said Frodo, "I could see that when they were throwing themselves on you and licking your tattoo, saying 'Mmm this is so good can I have some more?' It was disgusting."  
  
Sam looked horrified.  
  
"So I pulled Merry out of there, and when I had finally shaken all the women off, I realized he had fainted... for some reason or another... so I took him back to Bag End where Bilbo put him on a bed and he and I tried to wake him up - but nothing worked. So I was standing over him, trying to figure out what to do, when he half opened his eyes, whispere, 'Diamond, you gorgeous thing' and KISSED me."  
  
Pippin made a face. "Eww that's gross."  
  
Merry blushed even more. "I couldn't help it," he said, "I wasn't properly awake, I was hormonally challenged, and I was a bit drunk and dazed, as well."  
  
Frodo laughed. "So there's Merry's story for you. Now..." he said, turning to Sam. "What's your story?" 


	26. Sam's Story

Sorry it took me like forever to update... school soon :( so i probably wont be able to update very often  
  
Sam's eyes widened.  
"Ooooh, no... you can't make me tell you that!"  
Frodo raised his eyebrows.  
"Cmon, Sam," said Pippin. "Tell me tell me tell me!"  
Sam sighed. "Well, all right."  
He cleared his throat.  
"I guess it all started when I -"  
"Stop, Samwise Gamgee!" said Luke Skywalker (Star Wars), who had just materialized in front of them.  
"Who are you?" asked Pippin curiously.  
"I am your father," said Luke.  
"Really?" asked Pippin in astonishment.  
"Yes," said Luke - Merry rolled his eyes - "And I come bearing news from Gandalf the Green."  
"Gandalf the White," corrected Sam.  
"Gandalf the Grey," argued Merry.  
"No, Merry, he changed it to White, remember?"  
"What do you know?" Merry snapped.  
"A whole lot more than you do," muttered Sam.  
Merry glared at him and gave him the finger.  
"Anyway," said Luke, interrupting the arguement, "Gandalf has a quest for you."  
"Again?" asked Frodo.  
"Yes," said Luke, "You are to find the Toilet of Youth."  
Pippin sniggered.  
"Excuse me?" asked Merry, bewildered.  
"You know," said Pippin, while Sam shook with silent laughter, "like the Fountain of Youth, but it's a toilet."  
"It is in the Shire," continued Luke, "And well hidden."  
"Why are we looking for this... toilet, then?" asked Merry.  
"Gandalf wants you to find it," said Luke, "so he can stay young forever."  
Frodo snorted.  
The other three hobbits muttered among themselves, and Luke said, "I must now take my leave. Farewell." And he disappeared.  
"Hmm..." said Merry.  
"I wonder where this Toilet of Youth is?" asked Pippin.  
"Wherever it is," said Sam, "I want some."  
"You're going to drink from a toilet?" asked Pippin. Sam blushed.  
"We'll worry about that later," interrupted Frodo. "Go on, Sam."  
Sam nodded and cleared his throat again.  
"Anyway," he said, "I guess it all started when I was picking daisies in the field."  
Then, seeing the looks on the other hobbits' faces, he quickly added, "For my mother."  
Frodo didn't belive that at all. Sam had been, after all, a gay ninja hobbit. And they had a certain liking for pretty flowers, as he himself knew very well.  
"Then I remembered I had left my shears at home," continued Sam.  
"Why would you need shears to pick daisies?" asked Merry.  
"Because," said Sam.  
"Well that answers my question," muttered Merry sarcastically.  
"So I went home for my shears. But when I looked in my hiding place, they were gone!"  
"Why do you need a hiding place for your shears?" asked Pippin.  
"BECAUSE," said Sam through gritted teeth.  
Pippin started to cry.  
"What... ?"  
"You made him cry, you dolt," said Frodo.  
"W - ... How?" asked Sam.  
"You wouldn't give him a straight answer," said Merry darkly, "Now he is overcome by grief."  
"Okay, okay, I'll tell you!" said Sam, and Pippin immediately brightened, "I - erm - well, if you must know I... they were given to me by the mayor!"  
Frodo rolled his eyes. "Liar."  
"But you ARE the mayor," said Pippin.  
Merry stared at him. "You know, it amazes me how dumb you are sometimes, Pip."  
Pippin looked to be on the verge of tears again.  
"Kidding," Merry amended quickly, not wanting the younger hobbit to get too emotional.  
"ANYWAY," said Sam, "I walked around the house, just to make sure I hadn't, you know, dropped them somewhere. But then a wild feeling came over me."  
He smiled, remembering how it felt to be a wild hormonal teenager.  
"I suddenly didn't care about my shears anymore, all I cared about was finding a girl."  
The other hobbits "oooh"ed and "aaaah"ed.  
"So I went to this club, and I looked around to see if I could find any girls. Well, first I decided to have some ale. In a few minutes' time I was drunk. So I ... er..."  
"Go on, Sam," said Frodo.  
"I... went over to this table, and I guess I was feeling really drunk cause I could only see blurred outlines of people and I ... and I -" he gulped "I went over to this girl and kissed her. Everyone started laughing at me and I didn't know why. When my vision cleared up I realized I had -" he stopped.  
"Yes?" inquired Pippin.  
Sam muttered, "IrealizedIhadkissedmygrandma."  
"Excuse me?"  
"I had kissed my grandma."  
Pippin burst out laughing, while Sam turned red as a tomato.  
"You know Pippin," said Frodo, observing Pippin rolling around on the grass with laughter. "You're going to have your moments. Someday you'll have a story to tell. Everyone does."  
Pippin immediately stopped laughing.  
"All right then," said Merry, "Then what's yours, Frodo?" 


	27. Frodo's Story and the Singing Fish

Frodo shifted uncomfortably where he sat.

"I uh - I think I'm feeling sick," he muttered.

Pippin suddenly grabbed hold of his shoulders and yelled, "Tell me the story you fucker or I'll rip your hair out!!!"

Sam slapped Pippin on the head.

Pippin glared at Sam and sat back down on the grass.

Frodo looked at them all and Merry said, "You have to tell us, Frodo. We told you."

Sighing, Frodo began his tale.

"I guess the day it started was when I went down to the river to catch a fish. I was never any good at catching fish, so it nearly took me all day until I caught one. I took it back to the Gaffer and he put it up on his wall."

"Really?" asked Sam, "I never saw any fish..."

"You were away at Buckland that week, Sam," said Frodo. "Anyway, when I got back to Bag End, Bilbo was going ballistic because he'd lost his ring." At this, Frodo threw some salt over his shoulders. Pippin immediately took the salt and poured some into his mouth.

"Pippin, you dolt, stop it," said Merry, and he handed the salt back to Frodo.

"Uh... yeah.. _anyway_..." said Frodo, "Bilbo had thought _I'd_ taken his ring."

More salt throwing.

"He said, 'Frodo, lad, have you seen my ring?'"

Yet more salt throwing.

"And I said, 'No, Bilbo, I haven't, but you really shouldn't bother about that piece of shit anyway, I mean, what's your problem?' And at that point, Bilbo totally lost it and ran straight at me. 'You son of a bitch!' I yelled, running, 'What the fuck are you doing???' and I ran swearing at him all the way down to the Gaffer's, then shut myself up and locked myself in there. The Gaffer had gone out to fetch you, Sam," Frodo looked over at Sam, grinning, "you'd been spending a little _too _much time with those girls over in Buckland."

Sam blushed.

"That wasn't _my_ fault, they were all over me and -"

Merry snorted. "Yeah, I'm sure they were," he said sarcastically.

"So anyway," continued Frodo, "I waited for a while. I could still hear Bilbo shouting at me, then the shouting stopped. Apparently he had discovered his ring was in his pocket."

Even more salt throwing.

"And I was just heading out to give Bilbo a kick in the ass when I heard, '_narf._'"

"What's a narf?" asked Pippin curiously. Frodo just looked at him.

"I thought I was going completely insane," continued Frodo, "Because it came from the _fish on the wall_."

Sam shivered.

"I turned around, and the fish's eyes were staring straight at me! Then... then it began singing! 'Narf, narf, narf, narf, NARF NARF NARF NARF NARF NARF NNNAAARRRFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!'"

Frodo's eyes were so wide at this point that they were on the verge of bursting from his eye sockets. He looked quite mad.

"And then the fish _spoke _to me, it told me to go cut my hair off and I - and I -"

"Yes?" Pippin urged.

"I ran straight out of the house, told the Gaffer to throw away the fish, then cut my hair off!!!!!"

"Oooooh!" said Merry, "So _that's _why you were bald on my birthday!"

"Yes," said Frodo, "And now you know my story."

"Frodo's story of the singing fish," Sam mused, "Kinda strange."

"_Kinda?_" said Pippin.

"Well -"

"_NARF!_"

"W-what was that?" asked Pippin.

"_NARF!!_"

"There it was again," said Merry, straining his ears to hear it again.

"Oh no," said Frodo, going pale, "It's the dead singing fish coming back to haunt us!!! RUUUUUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He sprinted off as fast as he could and the others followed him, the "_NARF!!!_" still ringing in their ears.

"Wait!" yelled Sam, panting. "Frodo! We're going in the wrong direction, we're heading _into_ the forest, w-we w-want to go _out_!"

But Frodo didn't seem to have heard him. He just kept running like a maniac, the other three following him.

After what seemed like an hour of running, Sam collapsed onto the ground.

"He can't r-run anymore," said Merry, stopping and panting. "Besides, I think we've lost the - er - singing fish."

Frodo, nodding, sat down beside Sam, Merry, and Pippin.

Merry began to smoke some Longbottom leaf.

"Hey, give me some of that," said Pippin.

"Don't you have some?" asked Merry, shrouded in smoke.

"I've run out," said Pippin.

"Already?" asked Merry. Pippin nodded.

Merry sighed and gave Pip some Longbottom leaf.

"Thanks," said Pippin, and began smoking. "Ahh, that's better. Now, what were you saying, Merry?"

"I wasn't saying anything."

"Yes you were."

"No I wasn't."

"Yes, you were!"

"No, I wasn't!"

"Merry!"

"Pippin!"

"Hey," interrupted Frodo, looking at a spot some distance from them in the woods. "What is that?"

Sam sat up, and groggily looked around. "What is what?"

"That," said Frodo, pointing to something shiny in the woods.

"Oooooh, shiny!" exclaimed Pippin, and bounded off into the woods after it.

"Hey!" shouted Merry, "Pip!"

But Pippin didn't turn around, he just kept on running.

"For the love of my potatoes," Merry muttered, and ran after Pippin, and Frodo and Sam soon followed.

"What - is - it?" panted Sam, still out of breath from the long run, and angrily found himself running _again_.

"I'm not sure!" yelled Merry. "Pip, what is...?"

He was stopped in mid-sentence as he walked up to the gleaming object.

"What in the name of potatoes -" said Sam.

"It's - it's -" began Pippin.

"The Toilet of Youth," said Frodo in awe.


	28. Leprechauns

**Thanks for the reviews! No, Pippin's not turning into a girl... but that gave me an idea... evil cackle**

**oh, and just so you know, think _backwards_ when you read the inscription on the Toilet of Youth...**

"Holy crap," said Sam, staring at the toilet shining with a brilliant radiance.

"You got that right," said Merry.

"Let's use it," said Pippin, eyeing the toilet eagerly.

"No!" said Frodo. "Gandalf told us to get it for _him_, not us."

"But I have to go to the bathroom!" moaned Pippin.

Frodo glared at him and, scowling, Pippin went away to do his business.

"Hey," said Merry, "There's something written on here. It says, 'Dlro weht revoe katl liw sler riuqs knipl ive.' What dyou suppose that means?"

"I don't know," said Frodo, "But we must get it back to the Shire."

"It's huge," said Sam, looking at the toilet.

"Must be made for Gandalf, then," muttered Merry.

Sam, seeming not to have heard him, continued, "How're we ever going to get that thing back to the Shire?"

"Hmm," said Frodo, thinking. Then he snapped his fingers. "I know! Leprechauns!"

"Those are just a legend," said Sam.

"Oh, really?" said Frodo. "Says who?"

"Says me," said Sam.

"Well you didn't believe in gay ninja hobbits before, now did you, Sam?" said Frodo.

Sam blushed.

Suddenly, Pippin came running through the trees screaming, "AAAAA! Little people!!!"

Stopping Pippin with his arm, Merry said, "You _are_ a little person, Pip."

"No!" said Pippin, wide-eyed. "_Really little_ people!"

Suddenly Irish music erupted all around them.

"For the love of potatoes, what now?" muttered Merry.

"Aye, you'd best be holding on to those potatoes, lad," said a voice.

"Who's there?" asked Sam.

"Show yourselves!" commanded Frodo.

They heard maniacal cackling and then there was a series of small _pop!_s. All around them about twenty leprechauns stood in the clearing.

"AAA!" squealed Sam and backed into a tree.

"I am Seamus Longbeard, leader of the forest leprechauns," said a very stout leprechaun with a long white beard who was standing in front of Frodo. "And who might you be?"

"Frodo Baggins of... well... the Undying Lands now, I guess," said Frodo. "And these are my companions," he said, turning to the others. "Samwise Gamgee -"

"_Mayor_ of Hobbiton," said Sam proudly.

"... right, and Meriadoc Brandybuck -"

"Call me Merry."

"- and Peregrin Took."

"What?" said Pippin, who had been picking his nails and not paying attention.

"Nevermind, Pip," said Merry.

"Right then," said Pippin, and he resumed the picking of his nails.

Just then, a little pink squirrel hopped past, squealing at the top of its lungs, "I AM NOT ROBIN HOOD YOU IMBECILE VULGAR VACUOUS IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and it ran away, and two seconds later, George of the Jungle swung past.

Frodo looked at Sam who looked at Merry who shrugged and looked at Pippin who continued picking his nails.

"Oh... don't worry about that," said Longbeard, "Happens all the time."

"Shit," muttered Pippin, "I can't get this bloody dirt out of my fingernails -"

He shut up at the look on Sam's face.

"Longbeard," said Frodo, "Dyou think you could help us bring this toilet back to the Shire?"

"Oh, I'm afraid not, laddie," said Longbeard, "You see, we've been given the job to _guard_ that little beauty. Nope, you'll have to win in a contest to even gain the toilet, as it's rightfully ours."

"What?" said Sam, "But we found it! We - we -"

He suddenly fell asleep.

"Why am I s-so tired?" yawned Pippin, stretching out on the ground, and soon, his snores filled the forest.

"Mm... a nice little nap'll do just fine, I think..." and Merry fell asleep as well.

Frodo felt the dreariness come over him last. _They must've put a spell on me. I have to stay awake, I have to stay awake, I have to - have to - stay... awake..._

And he fell to the ground with a _thud_, and while his snores were loud, they were nothing compared to Pippin's.

**If you couldn't figure out what the inscription on the Toilet of Youth is, it's "Evil pink squirrels will take over the world"**

**I'll try to update soon! (Sooner than last time, I hope)**


	29. Breakfast with Leprechauns

Frodo woke up with a pounding in his head.

_Ow..._ he thought, _What happened?_

Then he remembered the leprechauns, and bolted straight up. What he saw scarred him for the rest of his life.

They were still in the Old Forest, apparently, but they were surrounded by hundreds of leprechauns... _wearing hawiian leis and skirts!!!!!_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! SAM WAKE ME UP!!!!!! SAM!!!!!!!!!"

Frodo shook Sam awake and when Sam groaned and turned around he yelled, "PLEASE WAKE ME UP!!!"

"Mr. Frodo..." said Sam groggily, "You _are_ aw - awa -" but he saw the leprechauns and, after a second of staring at one of the women eagerly, he turned to Frodo and said, "Mr. Frodo... um... what is going on!?!?!"

Pippin suddenly jumped on Sam and began biting his neck.

"PEREGRIN TOOK WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?"

Pippin looked up and said, "Oh... uh... well, I really don't know actually... when's breakfast? Come to think of it Sam, it's already time for second breakfast, so I suppose we'll just have to - Merry what are you staring at?"

For Merry had awoken and was now staring at the fire where the leprechauns were dancing around.

"That's normal for leprechauns, you asshole," said Pippin, shaking his head.

Sam glared at him threateningly.

"_Normal?_" asked Merry, watching as one of the particularly big leprechauns began doing the Egyptian Boogey Dance.

"Haven't you ever met a leprechaun before?"

"No, but -"

"AAAAAHHHH!!!!" suddenly Pippin began running around like a complete idiot, throwing his shirt off in the process, and ran up to a tree and climbed up it.

Sam, baffled, looked at Frodo, whose head was in his hands.

"Er - Mr. Frodo... what... ?"

"Come with me to find the big pile of cheese!!!" yelled Pippin from in the tree. "Dwar, dwar, dwar!!! Come here, little squirrel, dwar, DWAR!!!!!"

Merry pinched himself.

"Nope," he said, scratching his head, "not having hallucinations."

"Ah," said Seamus Longbeard, who looked really really freaky in his hawiian getup. He was standing there, hairy chest and beard and all, no shoes on, with just that hawaiin skirt on. Frodo was quite terrified. "Here ye be, all woken up but not fed," said Seamus. "Would you like something to eat?"

"BREAKFAST!!!" shouted Pippin from up in the tree, forgetting, seemingly, about his... er... pile of cheese. "I want nuts in my breakfast!"

"Nuts?" said Seamus, "Er... alright... nuts, nuts... ah, here we are..."

He pulled out peanuts from thin air.

"Mr. Frodo what is going on??"

"Sam, I haven't the faintest idea."

After they had all eaten breakfast - everyone being careful not to sit near Pippin, whose hormones seemed to have gotten worse - Seamus made an announcement.

"All right, everyone," he said, standing on a log, "Gather round, gather round. Now, these halflings here want to take our Toilet of Youth from us!"

There were angry mutterings at this. Sam cast Merry a worried glance.

"Now, the only way these lads can do that, is by beatin' the toughest leprechaun there is -"

"Hah, that should be easy," muttered Merry.

"- at a game of hide-and-go-seek."

"_What???_"

"That's right, you'll have to beat me," came a voice from nearby.

"Who said that?" asked Merry, looking around.

"Me!" squeaked the voice. Merry looked down. There was a small leprechaun standing right in front of him.

"How did I not see you?" asked Merry, fascinated.

"I have a ... gift," said the leprechaun, smiling maliciously. "No one can find me if I don't want to be found."

"Believe me, we've tried," muttered Seamus.

"Oh, great..." said Frodo and Sam at the same time. Then... "_DWAH!_"


	30. Start of the Hunt

Gollum jumped into the campfire circle.

"DWAH!" he shouted.

"I think Gollum's been turned into a gay ninja hobbit, Mr. Frodo," said Sam.

"The question is," whispered Frodo, "Who is his mate?"

"You stupid fat hobbit!" spat Gollum. "We wants you to get out of our ways... yes, precious. That is why our spirit won't rest until you give us the SOCK!!!!!"

The leprechauns stared at one another, and there were dark mutterings throughout the crowd.

"The Sock is deceased," said Pippin, eyeing Gollum with pure loathing.

"But - but - " Gollum spat.

"GWAHR!!!" screamed Pippin, and lunged at Gollum, who disappeared.

"Ow!" exclaimed Pippin as he hit the ground with a thud.

"Let's get on with the game!" shouted a nearby leprechaun.

There were shouts of approval from the leprechauns.

"All right, all right, settle down," said Seamus.

One of the leprechauns continued to yell and squeal. Seamus stuck his middle finger at the leprechaun. That shut him up.

"_Now,_" said Seamus, "The rules of the game. One, you must NOT leave the Old Forest. Two, you must never ask a leprechaun for help. Three, if you do not find Giggletoes within eight hours, we shall have to have you lads dipped in a huge bowl of tomato soup."

Merry scrunched his nose. "Tomato soup? But that's nasty!"

"_Exactly_," said Seamus, grinning slyly.

"NOOOOOOO!!!!" yelled Pippin wildly, "Not the tomato soup! No no no no no no no nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!"

Merry elbowed Pippin in the side. "Shut up," he muttered.

Pippin began to cry.

Merry rolled his eyes and patted Pippin on the back. Pippin ceased crying and grinned broadly.

"The game will begin soon," said Seamus. "You have five minutes."

Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin huddled together.

"Okay, so what do we all think about this Giggletoes?" asked Frodo quietly.

"Little git," muttered Sam.

"Slimy bastard," said Pippin, chewing on his lower lip.

"So what are we gonna do about it?" asked Merry.

"WE'RE GONNA FIND HIM!" yelled the other three.

"And when are we gonna do it?"

"SOON!"

"And how are we gonna do it?"

"Dunno."

Merry sighed. "Well, at least we've got some motive."

"All right, everyone in position!" shouted Seamus.

The hobbits turned around and waited.

"Three... two... one... BEGIN!"

"GAAAAH!!!" yelled Pippin, waving his arms wildly above his head while running into the forest.

"You look after him," said Frodo, "Sam and I will go this way." He pointed to his left.

Shrugging, Merry ran after Pippin.

"Come on, Sam," said Frodo, jogging to the left. "We've got some searching to do."

So Frodo and Sam, & Merry and Pippin, ran around for about ten minutes with absolutely no luck when Pippin managed to get himself caught in quicksand.

"Why is there quicksand in the Old Forest?" Merry wondered, scratching his head. He cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, "Someone help! Please!!!"

Pippin floated out of the quicksand.

"How did you do that?" asked Merry incredulously.

Pippin shrugged, and tried to play with Merry's hair.

"Get off!" said Merry, swiping away Pippin's arm. "We've got to find this Giggletoes character!"

"He he he!"

"What?" asked Merry.

"I didn't do it," said Pippin.

"Then who... Giggletoes!"

Merry and Pippin ran in the direction of the sound.

Meanwhile, Frodo and Sam were resting by a tree.

"Mr. Frodo," said Sam, "We need help."

Frodo muttered something. Sam could only make out the word "psychiatrist".

"Not _that_ kind of help, Mr. Frodo," said Sam, shaking his head. "We need a wizard."

"If you're referring to Gandalf, he's standing right behind you."

"What?"

Sam slowly turned around.

"AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"


	31. The Hunt is Ended

"Gandalf, put a shirt on!" said Sam, shielding his eyes. "It's not like we want to see some old geezer in boxers!"

Gandalf scratched his chin. "Well, all right. But then I won't help you find the leprechaun."

"Hold on," said Frodo, "You know where Giggletoes is?"

Gandalf looked thoughtful.

"He's right over there," he said, pointing.

Frodo ran over and saw nothing.

"He's not there," he said, sighing.

"He moved," said Gandalf defensively. "You need to be quick to catch _that_ one."

Sam growled.

"You want to go at it with a wizard?" asked Frodo, walking back up to Sam. "Be my guest. Just remember, he's got fireworks."

Sam gulped and took a few steps back.

"AAAAAAAAAA!"

"What was that?" asked Frodo.

"Pippin," said Gandalf.

"Oh," said Frodo, shaking his head. "He's emotionally unstable at the moment."

"I noticed," said Gandalf.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY, PIPPIN!"

"Uh-oh," said Sam.

The two hobbits ran towards where Merry had shouted, Gandalf, walking along behind.

"Bloody hell, Pippin, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Frodo's eyes widened as he saw what was going on, then he began to giggle uncontrollably.

Sam, confused, walked up to where Frodo was and gasped.

Pippin was mooning Merry, who was tied to a tree.

"PIPPIN! Frodo, this ... isn't ... that funny..." said Sam, trying very hard not to laugh himself silly. Gandalf, on the other hand, had already gotten past that point.

Sam shook his head, trying to clear his head of... giggly... thoughts. He untied Merry and then turned around to face Pippin, who had pulled up his pants and was staring at the ground, blushing.

Merry, scowling, backed away from Pippin.

"Now, Pippin," said Sam, "What do we say to Merry?"

Pippin slowly looked up at Merry, who had his arms crossed.

"Found him."

Sam blinked. "What?"

"Found him."

"What dyou mean, 'found him'?" asked Frodo, who had stopped laughing.

"You see," said Pippin, "I'm not hormonally imbalanced anymore. I could easily notice Giggletoes when I was hormonally challenged, but I could not react because of my... hormones. When Merry and I came to this spot, I saw Giggletoes tie him to a tree, and suddenly my hormones started... er... flashing on and off, I guess you could call it. Because all of a sudden he began to blink in and out of my vision, and sometime in between there, I grabbed out... and I _caught_ him!"

"So wait," said Frodo, "You've got Giggletoes in your hand right now?"

Pippin grinned, and held up a fist with nothing in it. Or at least, that's what it looked like at first. Then the hobbits saw Giggletoes, and jumped around for joy, hugging Pippin.

"Wait," said Merry, "if your hormones were balanced when Frodo and Sam got here, why were you mooning me?"

Pippin laughed. "I finally caught Giggletoes, so I had to celebrate _somehow_."

Merry scowled and slapped Pippin across the top of his head.

"Ow!"

"Ch."

"Bless me."

"What?"

"Don't ask."

Frodo raised one eyebrow, then sighed, shaking his head.

Gandalf continued to laugh hysterically.

"What's so funny?" asked Pippin.

Gandalf immediately stopped laughing. "What are you talking about, you fool of a Took?" And he shook his head, muttering about hobbits.

"NOOOOOOO!" came a wild shout. Then hundred of leprechauns appeared all around them.

"AAAA! Attack!" yelled Gandalf, whipping out his staff and pointing it at the leprechauns.

"No, wait, Gandalf," said Merry, "It's Seamus."

"We have found your... er... Giggletoes," said Frodo, indicating Pippin, who held up Giggletoes.

"I thought you would never fail us!" said Seamus theatrically.

Giggletoes sniffed. "He was hormonally imbalanced."

Seamus, growling, took Giggletoes from Pippin. "Take the Toilet," he said, "And get out of my forest!"

The hobbits and Gandalf, not wanting to cause further trouble, ran to the Toilet.

"Now," said Pippin, "How are we going to carry this?"

Gandalf yawned, pointed his finger at the Toilet, and muttered a few words. It bumped into him.

"Ouch!" he exclaimed. "This will follow me wherever I go," he said, running around in circles, trying to avoid the flying Toilet. "Farewell, back to the Shire for you, halflings!"

He and the Toilet of Youth disappeared.

"WOOHOO!" said Sam, dancing. "We're done!"

Merry, backing away from Sam, said, "Let's go home."

"I'm ready to go home," said Frodo.

"Where's my second breakfast?"

**Well... this is the end of What Merry and Pippin Do All Day. But don't worry! There'll be a sequel! We've got to get Legolas, Elrond, and Gandalf to the Shire, haven't we?**

**Lindz**


End file.
